Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Rerun #2 - Ancient Fears

This was originally posted on Teacups and Time. It was my last post before I lost access.

He sits alone.

He has for the last three days.

He never asks for much but people like him never do.

He has taken care of himself for the last eighty plus years. It isn't in him to ask for help, which is probably why he sits here now in a wheelchair after his second fall in less than six months that required a surgical repair.

He tries to be strong but you can see it in his eyes.




He is worried the Mrs. doesn't want him back home. She has said as much. Joking, I think. I hope. Yet, he sits alone, again. So, I am not so sure she was laughing.

In him I see what I fear, loneliness and loss in my ancient years. It's the blight that infertility has left on my spirit.

Don't get me wrong, I am realistic enough to know that children aren't a magical guarantee against loneliness. Nevertheless, an empty quiver provides no protection at all.

In this meeting, I am confronted with what I do not want to encounter. Not now. not here. Not with a stranger. So, I avoid. This moment is not about me. It is about him.

We sit.

He tries to talk. I can tell it isn't easy. Not for him. Not for me.

His chin quivers as he weakly smiles through jagged teeth. He speaks, hesitantly and softly, "Today --- (sniff) --- is --- our 59th --- wedding --- anniversary." Quickly, he looks away. So, must I. Neither one of us can see the others tears.

His for what he is missing now - the fears of an ancient.

Me for what his missing means - my ancient fears.


  1. Even better the second time around.


  2. Denise,this is awsom!Have a great day! Blessings, Faye

  3. interesting tagging the future with the past...
    fear/future, ancient/past

    You name those fears and then claim His promises and speak out the scriptures...fear is not from the Lord...you can do it! Tell "you know who to get behind you" b/c you believe in our Lord, Jesus Christ, and His name rules over you

    1John 4:18-
    "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

  4. Soaking this in ...

    So glad you've posted it here. A lump, though, is rising in my throat. ... I ache with you. ...

    May Ancient Words drive out ancient fears.

    God bless you, dear one.

  5. Ok, that's not fair....first you made me laugh with your previous post and now....you make me cry. Wow, what a mixture of emotions! My heart is aching for you and for him.

    You are a great writer!!!

  6. Denise,

    I must say that my heart beats with you on this one, something that IF I allow myself to, I get lost in the what if's. I too have never had children of my own, and with being a step-parent, there is truly the sense of becoming ancient ALONE. A no guarantee. I pray that the love God has alowed me to pour out into others will one day be poured back out upon me in my time of "need". Your thoughts hit home and I for one, appreciated them. Lovingly, Yolanda

  7. Hi Denise - I just found you through dear Elaine's blog and I was so sorry to read that you lost your first blog (???)!! so I popped over to visit and wish you many more blessings on this beautiful blog.

    I enjoyed your sharing today and I look forward to getting to know you even better. God bless!