More than I want and deeper than I ever thought it would. It is not all their fault and it is not all my fault. The blame falls squarely between the two. I think that makes it cut even deeper.
The raw throb makes concentrating difficult. It distracts my heart. It beckons a hardness to scab it over. Yet, I know hardness will never bring healing.
He told me, “If you ever get to the place when you can’t worship you have to leave.” I was almost there. Just one more revelation – one more contradiction – one more okay for them but not for others sent me into a whirlwind.
Would they think this was the case – the duality of what is said/done/allowed? I doubt it.
When looking from different angles, the perspective is different.
Perspective is also part of the story. They know their part. I know mine. We think we understand the each other but in truth, we don’t.
I have to own what I know. My pride, my hurt, my confusion and my anger that is what I know. That is what I have to own. That is what I have to confess. That is what I have to release.
Lay it down and let it go.
If I choose not to do this, what hardens on the surface will fester in the depths. It will become a poison to the heart, to the soul and to the body.
In the doing, comes the liberation. Freedom for the Spirit to fill those places once occupied and now emptied with the fullness of One I long for.
At His feet I come, carrying my pain, my sin, my part. Break me open. Break me down. Pour me out.
Then Spirit I beg, fill the empty places.
Fill me full.
© A Sacred Longing 2009-2012