I know that I have been noticeably absent. I am not sure why.
I am full of words, thoughts and yet, not a single one have I been able to muster into a coherent idea to share. I think as the days draw closer to my trip to Ecuador, I am feeling overwhelmed.
One of my inherent weaknesses is my need to control. Which is why I tend to be a good planner – planning and control seem to be good companions. Yet, for this trip I am planning nothing but my own arrival to the airport. There it will end – my control - that is.
So for now, I worry. I can do that. I am not supposed to but I am really good at it.
Why am I so gifted at the things I am not supposed to do?
Will you help me by praying? Pray that as I prepare for this trip I will release my grip and open my hands to receive what God gives. Also, that I will find the strength to give my anxious thoughts to the only One who can give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I know the grace that comes from trips such as this. My heart has been overwhelmed in the past and I expect that it will happen once again.
I can’t help but feel nervous though because I have felt the Lord whispering to me of late. At times it has felt like a commissioning – the call to move on. I am not sure the where, the why, the what or the how and that is unsettling. I guess that is the point. I should be unsettled. Comfort is not what He has called me to. Where this trip fit to this is yet to be seen but I am sure of one thing – it will be seen. In His time and when He reveals.
So for now I will share a journal entry from my last Operation Walk mission trip as much for you as it is as a reminder for me of what is to come...
It is hot, oppressively hot. Every pore of my body is sweating in a wasted effort of trying to cool itself. I am soaked, exhausted but grateful I am here in Nicaragua.
I am blessed with the opportunity to be in this place, right now. Living a brief moment of my life outside of the box. Here I am living my vocation – giving my vocation to those who may have never had an opportunity for this life changing surgery, were it not for grace.
Grace.
In this brief moment, we all are experiencing it.
I have often heard from those who have traveled similar paths before say, “what is received is so much more than what is given.” No truer words could be spoken. It is impossible to live this experience and not be changed in some way.
In my ordinary, I am a nurse. It is my occupation – with is many rules, regulations and expectations. In this extraordinary moment, it is my vocation – a sacred calling. I am lost in the grace overflowing – to me, within me and from me.
I cannot be the same.
© A Sacred Longing 2009
