Stuck between fear and grace

I was blindsided a few weeks ago.  Ever since, I have been struggling - wrestling with an issue that is as layered as an onion and I am not yet sure when the center will be found. 

Each time I think I have resolution, I realize there is more to peel away.  In the wrestling I am finding opportunities to expose things in me that need Truth and Light shed upon them. I am also realizing that I have to deal with the issues of others and/or my perceptions of them. 

This is some heavy and hard stuff.

So here I am peeling back the stinky layers, just me and God.  Trying to figure out what is the next step.  The hard reality is that I have to take ownership of some of this pain.

Over the months, I have tucked away concerns, doubts, frustrations, hurts, dreams, hopes and wishes.  I neatly tucked them away.  I was fearful of giving voice to them and actually speaking them into a tangible existence.

Fear will work to keep things hidden. 

I have been afraid.  Afraid I will be misunderstood.  Afraid I will be disliked.  Afraid I will not be good enough.  Afraid I will have to do something.  Afraid I will fail.   And that is it…

I will be misunderstood. I will be disliked.  I will not be good enough.  I will have to do things.  I will fail – over and over again.

This is where Grace comes in and makes this broken vessel useable.  Grace seeks to restore what fear seeks to steal.  Grace lovingly uncovers while fear insists on hiding.  Grace brings truth.  Grace overflows with love.  Grace gestates hope.  Grace gives life and breath to dreams.

Begging to grasp the Grace in every layer exposed.

The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?Psalm 27:1

© A Sacred Longing 2009-

What is within me is so much more than what I am.

I am broken, scared, lonely, angry, hurt and frustrated.

I throw the shards of my sin and hurt those who love me.

I dream big dreams and hide behind shadows.

Yet in the smallness of my soul, He looms large.

He exists within and seeks to be poured out.

A willing vessel is what He desires.

A shattered clay pot is what I am.

Fill me.

Always and forever

Seeking to grasp and then live this Truth.

He that is within me is so much more than what I am.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

The Relevant Conference 2011

It is hard in these moments.

When doubt rales at me like hurricane force winds.
When I wonder what makes me think I can pen words to pages.
When I think life should be lived and dreams don't exist.

Pessimist or realist maybe...

Box dweller is probably most true.

Content in the margins
Cozy in the confines
Careful with the outside

I remember once seeing a little toy.  A plastic replica of a box that when turned on bounced around and spurted "get me out of here" from within.  That toy is me.

I am tired of keeping myself. 

I am bored with my borders.

Oh but friends, it is scary to step out into the unknown.

I have scribbled thoughts here and there.  I have mentioned to a few trusted ones that I "love" to write.  I have on occasion dreamt that I would once find myself weaving words and themes into something that others would seek to ingest.  But that is where it ends...locked up tight in "want to but afraid to". 

Have you felt this way?

At the end of this month, I have been blessed with the gift of an opportunity.  I have a "golden" ticket.  While this one won't give me a lifetime of chocolate or cute oompa-loompas as companions, it does carry with it some "awe"-ness. 

I will sit in a room

and hear her
and her
and her
and him

and so many more, who have found their voice - who have penned their words and who have lived their dreams.

Who knew...that those I have lurked in the margins and ogled behind the screen will now be in front of me...moving and breathing.

Will I bumble like an idiot - could be a possibility.

Will I get lost in a room - most likely.

Will I want to run and hide - you betcha.

Will I break out in hives and tremble in fear - hope not.

Will I be encouraged, strengthened and meet new friends - let it be so!

 

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

Fractured...

I am afraid.  I wouldn't be honest if I said otherwise.  However, it is not a fear of my physical safety but rather one of my heart.

A heart that still beats fractured from a small, island experience.

A heart that knows there is more breaking to come.

It is what I have asked for...

"to be broken by the things that breaks His heart"

Still and yet, this weakened vessel knows what lies ahead. 

At this moment, I ponder my gratefulness ...

- suitcases crammed with shoes, books, soccer balls and blankets
- a plane ticket to Guatemala
- the grace of opportunity
- prayers of a church last Sunday
- a heart that still beats fractured

I may be afraid, my precious friends.  But long ago I was told by a friend that the blessing is in "doing it afraid".  There is truth to be milled there.  We have not been called to the safe and the cozy.  For in safety our clay crafted vessels remain intact. 

Intact vessels keep to themselves what was never theirs to keep.  What is poured in is meant to be shared.  It is the broken and fractured vessel that leaks the grace that fills it.

On my way to being shattered.









© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Whispers in the Wind

Each moment that I am given another breath is an opportunity to make my life count for the glory of God.

I am learning, therefore, that my life is a simple offering of choices. Even those choices that seem inconsequential have an impact of lasting proportion. That fact alone has given much pause to my spirit of late.

I have, for a good while, wanted to live my life in God's will. Yet, what this really meant has been an elusive search.

I had always assumed that bearing children and being a mother would be a part - a very large part - of my life. Are we not called to be fruitful and multiply? Is that not why we women are made and fashioned? When the days, months, years passed by without a pregnancy, doubt settled in. Where was God?

With doubt came an open doorway for fear to enter. Fear that I wasn't who I should be; that I wasn't ever going to have what I wanted; that my life would be insignificant and forgotton. Paralyzed and numbed by fear, I made choices that kept me hidden and irrelevant - the very thing that terrorized me was being fashioned by my very own hands.

So, I hid my search for God's elusive will. My choices were weak and half-hearted because I couldn't see the future. Weak choices - weak life. A wallflower existance in the midst of a garden of opportunity.

I lost sight of my purpose. I lost hope in my desires.

"Our desire to live should be for the sake and the glory of God, who put us on this earth in the first place." - Francis Chan

My hidden time searching for God's elusive will was wasted moments. Misspent and misdirected focus on a future that could never happen. It would never happen because by looking ahead, I missed the now - the foundational moments for what is to come.

My now is a whisper in the wind of my eternity. Yet, it is the point of departure for the future to come. Learning to choose for His glory in all things, small and large, I will be in His will. No need to search anymore. No need to hide anymore.

Live. Live now. Live in the fullness of God's grace and glory.

In doing so, I prepare now for a mission trip. This time tomorrow I will be on an airplane with its final destination in Quito, Ecuador. I pray that I will stand boldy and courageously in the strength of my Lord. I pray that I will be used as a vessel of grace and an ointment of healing balm to those on this surgical mission. I pray that all that I think, say or do will bring glory to the One who inhabits my very being.

(This photo was taken through an operating door in Nicaragua - our last trip)

© A Sacred Longing 2009