A Sacred Longing

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T10:53:00.001-05:00

"Let's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us." They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying
in the manger. Seeing was believing.
Luke 2:15-17a The Message

This the morning I have begged to find these last four weeks.

This is the moment when the waiting graces of Advent give birth to the Breath of Heaven.

In the darkness of this waiting world, His star shines brightly.

Trusting to believe and follow this most precious Light.

Seeing is believing.

Seeking to see Him this Christmas Day!

Weekend Wanderings

2011-11-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

It sprouts in the most unlikely places.

It makes beautiful that which seems unlovely.

It gives life to that which seems useless.

It gives mercy to that which seems unforgiveable.

It gives always, everywhere and calls me to do the same.

His love and grace is the “it” I seek.

This weekend I am seeking to find Him in my moments and givethanks in everything.

Walk with me friends and share where you have found His love and grace.

Five Minute Friday - Unexpected

2011-11-11T07:01:00.001-05:00

I am joining in with Five Minute Friday over at The Gypsy Mama. Where you write for 5 minutes - no more and no less and no editing. Each week is a new topic and today it was UNEXPECTED. Check out the link and see what others have written!

I have found my life to beunexpected. Where I have thought I wouldbe, I am not. Arms lay bare. Quivers are empty. Yet, this is where I find myself trying to make sense ofit – the unexpected life. Seeking to learn to release the dreams that will never be – dreams that were minebut apparently not His.

Unexpected, doesn't meanunwanted. There is much in my life thatis worth the wanting. I have to learn toleave and lean. Giving up and letting goisn't the easy way but it appears to be what He desires.

Unexpected, doesn't meanalone. He is with me. He is the strong andmighty tower, where I can run to for my help. He is the heart to seek – the shoulder to lean on – the arms to wrap around – the catcher of my tears.

Grace Remained

2011-11-01T15:05:00.004-04:00

I am not sure what I was looking for when I went to theconference. Probably more than anythingI was seeking some courage to venture it alone. I don’t think I found courage. Rather, I left it by the door of the ballroom on the first night.

A late arrival to the hotel and an even later arrival todinner made me feel like the new kid at school walking into the cafeteria forthe very first time hoping to see a friendly face and an open seat. Gratefully, I found both. While courage may have left me to wander alone, Grace didnot.

I found it in the conversations at the dinner table. I savored it within the smiles andlaughter. I pondered it in the devotionsand prayer room. I gathered it in thekeynotes and breakouts.

Find your voice. Yourvoice is the thing that makes you special. – Sarah Markley

Your story matters. You are the best translation of the gospel. – Lisa Jo

What are you beholding? – Laura Booz

Within your writing keep God’s mercy in view. – Shaun Groves

God appoints those who disappoint to point to the God whoDOESN’T disappoint. – Ann Voskamp

We can’t give love to others unless you know how loved youare. – Ann Voskamp

It is never about applause, it is always about thealtar. – Ann Voskamp

I left Pennsylvania not much braver than I arrived. However, the abundance of grace and mercyfound is still waiting to be fully unpacked.

There will be much reflection in the days ahead, of that I am sure.

2011-10-27T05:02:00.001-04:00

What is within me is so much more than what I am.

I am broken, scared, lonely, angry, hurt and frustrated.

I throw the shards of my sin and hurt those who love me.

I dream big dreams and hide behind shadows.

Yet in the smallness of my soul, He looms large.

He exists within and seeks to be poured out.

A willing vessel is what He desires.

A shattered clay pot is what I am.

Fill me.

Always and forever

Seeking to grasp and then live this Truth.

He that is within me is so much more than what I am.

The Relevant Conference 2011

2011-10-13T09:34:00.000-04:00

It is hard in thesemoments.

Whendoubt rales at me like hurricane force winds.
When Iwonder what makes me think I can pen words to pages.
When Ithink life should be lived and dreams don't exist.

Pessimist orrealist maybe...

Box dweller isprobably most true.

Content in themargins
Cozy in theconfines
Careful with theoutside

I remember onceseeing a little toy. A plastic replicaof a box that when turned on bounced around and spurted "get me out ofhere" from within. That toy is me.

I am tired ofkeeping myself.

I am bored withmy borders.

Oh but friends,it is scary to step out into the unknown.

I have scribbledthoughts here and there. I havementioned to a few trusted ones that I "love" to write. I have on occasion dreamt that I would oncefind myself weaving words and themes into something that others would seek toingest. But that is where itends...locked up tight in "want to but afraid to".

Have you feltthis way?

At the end ofthis month, I have been blessed with the gift of an opportunity. I have a "golden" ticket. While this one won't give me a lifetime ofchocolate or cute oompa-loompas as companions, it does carry with it some"awe"-ness.

I will sit in aroom

and hear her
and her
and her
and him

and so manymore, who have found their voice - who have penned their words and who have lived their dreams.

Who knew...thatthose I have lurked in the margins and ogled behind the screen will now be infront of me...moving and breathing.

Will I bumblelike an idiot - could be a possibility.

Will I get lostin a room - most likely.

Will I want torun and hide - you betcha.

Will I break outin hives and tremble in fear - hope not.

Will I be encouraged, strengthened and meet new friends - let it be so!

When you don't think you have enough...

2011-10-05T08:21:00.000-04:00

Do you ever havethose moments when a message keeps coming at you from many differentplaces?

This past weekhas been that for me. Like a bouquet ofthe same flower that I am gathering one bloom at a time or maybe I should sayone fish and loaf at a time.

In John 6:1-13we have the familiar story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. Like you, I have read this story manytimes. I thought I knew it.

That is what Iget for thinking!

When Jesuslooked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip,"Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" Heasked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going todo. Philip answered him, "Eightmonths wages would not buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!"

John 6:5-7 NIV (emphasis mine)

Philip witnessedJesus perform miracles prior to this question. Yet, he didn't respond with the anticipation of what Christ would do butrather with the limitation of what Philip could not do. He could not buy enough bread.

Major fail,Philip.

So here it is...

I have thepropensity to respond just like Philip. I measure the task in front of me by based not on what God can do butrather what I cannot.

In my eyes, theobstacle is daunting. In God's eyes, itis minutia.

In a sermon thisweekend, I heard "It is too easy to allow the magnitude of a task keep youfrom doing it." If Philip wasright, those people would still be hungry. And yet, they ate all that they had wanted and even had leftovers!

I have thoughttoo many times like Philip.

I have evaluatedthe circumstance in light of what I have - what I can do - what my abilitiesare. I have given up and given in tooeasily because truth be told, I will never have enough.

But God...

He knows what Heis going to do. He doesn't need us butHe does want us. He has placed us wherewe are at this very moment. All we needto do is offer what we have and trust that He will transform it.

It wasn'tPhilip's job to feed the 5000. It washis responsibility to offer what he had and believe Christ to transformit.

When I don'thave enough words to write...

Ineed to offer what I have and allow Him to transform it.

When I don'thave the strength to complete the task...

I need to offer what I have andallow Him to transform it

When I don'thave the courage to step out...

I need to offer what I have andallow Him to transform it.

When I don'thave the faith to believe...

I need to offer what I have andallow Him to transform it.

I will neverhave enough.

He always will.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

A Time to be Refined

2011-09-15T17:33:00.000-04:00

There is a time for everything.

A time to stay and a time to go

A time to be and a time to do

A time to listen and a time to speak

And a time to change

Today the gentle breeze is whispering in the coolness ofautumn and with it comes the anticipation of all it brings.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Football games

Sweaters and Hoodies

Colorful leaves giving way to bare branches

Exposure

I am embracing this moment. Seeking the unveiling it brings.

As the brilliance of the summer sun gives way and the spacebetween day and night draw ever closer, I seek to be stripped bare. I no longer wish to hide in the lush ofabundance that surrounds me.

Rather, in this moment, I seek to be altered.

A time to be refined…

Our September 11th Story

2011-09-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

It has been 10 years and the strange thing is that I canclose my eyes and it feels like not a moment has passed. And yet, so many have.

10 years ago I was sitting on my bed reading a devotion andenjoying a beautiful September morning. When my husband called with the news that a plane had crashed into theWorld Trade Center, I turned on the TV just as the second plane was strikingthe second tower. When I told him whatjust happened and that they were jetliners not small private planes, heimmediately ended the call.

He was at the Pentagon. I was home in Washington, DC.

My natural response wouldhave been to find myself lost in the news reports - traipsing from Fox to CNN to MSNBC. This morning it didn’t even cross my mind and gratefullyso. I put the TV on mute and returned to my morning prayer time.

Not long after, I vividly remember thewindows in my home shaking. At the time, we liveddirectly across from National Airport and often sonic booms would rattle our windows. However, this time it was differentand I noticed. Minutes later, I wouldknow why.

The next time I looked up to the television I no longer sawpictures of New York but a familiar shot of the Pentagon with dark black smoke billowing from its side. I knewthat building. I had been in it manytimes. My husband was there at that verymoment and I wondered where.

I began to frantically look for his business card and tried todesperately count off the rings and corridors to figure out where his office wasand where he should have been. Truly, Ihad no idea but it made me feel better trying. The minutes ticked away silently. The military community where we lived was locked down. I couldn’t leave. Phones lines were jammed. I couldn’t call.

It was eerily and wickedly – quiet.

In the deafening silence, I felt a peace and acalmness. Now, I recognize it as God’s presence andprovision but then, it felt odd – different.

It was a couple hours before my husband could call and tell me hewas “fine” (as fine can be when evil comes knocking on your door). It was hours – like 18 or more – before hemade it home wearied, wet and smelling of a strange mixture of jet fuel andsmoke. Wearing first degree burns on the outside and deeper, much deeper wounds on the inside. I don’t remember many words. To this day, we have trouble finding themwhen talking about September 11^th. In that, I doubt we are alone.

As a first responder on that day, he didn’t evacuate but rantoward the horror. He spent the next 3months working in the crash site. I canstill vividly remember the smell of his clothes each day.

Death and evil are not pleasant fragrances.

But grace is. Itdoesn’t always come in the package we expect or want but it always comes whenwe need it most.

On that day we lost neighbors – a husband and a new father;a young boy going on a field trip – just two of the many who left their homesthat morning without an inkling of what was to come.

On that day, the cost was priceless.

We will never understand why my husband's meeting that was scheduled to occur at the exact moment and place where Flight 77 impacted the building, was cancelled at the last minute.

We will never understand why innocent people paid such a high price.

I cannot understand evil that causes such pain. I pray that I never do.

On that day, our lives were changed.

On that day our country changed.

Still and yet, on that day, our God - the One True God - remained the same. That is what I seek to know and understand. On Him I can rest my weary and heartbroken soul. He catches every tear. He calms every anxious thought. He gives strength in the weakest of moments.

He never changed and gratefully, He never will.

Where were you on September 11, 2001?

Six years later...

2011-09-06T08:57:00.002-04:00

In the days since I returned from this last trip to NewOrleans, I have been asked more than once if the mission experience wasdifferent here in the United States versus in another country. The obvious answer is yes. In New Orleans, we spoke the same language. In the Lower Ninth Ward, we could go to Walgreens every morningto pickup supplies. Here we had anabundance of meal options. It was easy to stay in touch with family. In so manyways, it was different. Yet, in manyways, it was the same.

Need and hurt do not respect boundary lines. Frustration and desperation exist here in the“land of plenty” as it does in countries that hunger for so much. People desire to be known and not forgottenhere as much – maybe even more so – than in the third world.

In this land of abundance, we are besieged with information. It is easy to be the first page news onemoment and the forgotten story the next. It is too simple to go about our daily lives and drive quietly into ourgarages while ignoring the life-stories surrounding us. Yet, they exist.

When I was preparing for this trip I was given pricelessadvice. I was told to not be afraid to “asktheir Katrina story.” So, I did and Iwill forever be changed.

Each story – six years later – gave voice to the seeminglyforgotten. Faces gave way tonames. Each empty lot or broken downhouse became known as one whose family survived or tomb for those who didn’t. Six years later, tragedy slowly releases itsbony grip.

The heartbreak is not forgotten. Those gone may never come back. What once was will never be again.

Still and yet, I hope.

I hope that the stories will continue to be told. I hope that people will continue tolisten. I hope that people will be movedto help rebuild hearts, lives and homes.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

This is where I have been...

2011-08-28T19:57:00.000-04:00

There will be more to come but just wanted to let you know I have been offline lately for a very good reason. Spent the last week in Ninth Ward of New Orleans with some really awesome people.

Six years after Katrina there is so much that needs to be done. Please take a moment right now and pray for the city and for the people who remain displaced and want to be home. Pray for those who are there and are trying to make things right.

5 Minute Friday - Beauty

2011-08-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

Breathtaking beauty has less do to with what comes in a bottle or is airbrushed on a page. Rather it is found in the raw and untouched places.

It is birthed in the heart and breathed into the soul.

It is a song of purpose…

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book – Psalm 139:15-16

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope – Jeremiah 31:3

It is the dance of desire…

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul – Jeremiah 32:41

For you are my treasured possession – Exodus 19:5

It is the grasp of grace…

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes – Revelation 21:3-4

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love – Romans 8:31-32

It can be found in the mirror…

For you are my offspring – Acts 17:28

For you were made in my image – Genesis 1:27

It is in the knowing who He is and who you are. Oh my friends - do you hear it? Do you feel it? Open your eyes and see it!

You are beautiful!

I am joining in with Five Minute Friday over at The Gypsy Mama. Where you write for 5 minutes - no more and no less. Each week is a new topic and today it was Beauty. Check out the link and see what others have written!

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

Tuesdays around the world...

2011-08-09T13:34:00.001-04:00

(Sunrise on the Chesapeake Bay - August 2011)

A heart that is free is the close companion of a peaceful soul.

- Francis de Sales

Beyond the Glass

2011-08-08T18:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I am on the inside looking out.

Life swirls around.

I gaze – I gawk – I dream but there is something that keeps me from riding the whirlpool.

I don’t like feeling like an outsider. It is uncomfortable and lonely.

Too much time wasted – staring out through the curtains. Watching and wishing.

Just a few weeks ago, I celebrated another birthday. The cake is getting pretty small in comparison to the bonfire lit on top. It is crazy at times to think of the years that have gone by without much thought.

It is crazy and at the same time, sad.

Barbara Johnson once said, “We spend our lives dreaming of the future, not realizing that a little of it slips away every day.”

I am beginning to understand the truth in this statement.

Like grains of sand that fall through my fingers, days pass quickly into months and then years.

Lost

Forever

I am but a mist.

Waste no more. Wish no more.

Seeking to live today.

Today I continue to gather the graces with gratitude:

- a warm cup of coffee and a pastel painted sunrise
- the laughter of friends
- the smell of his hair
- a friend who doesn't give up
- truth spoken with love
- warm sand between the toes

Also joining in today with Laura and Playdates with God:

Five Minute Friday - Whole

2011-08-05T09:26:00.000-04:00

I know what I have been and most of that isn’t worth repeating. Cracked and broken is the sum total of my yesterdays.

Damaged and flawed is what is easy to be. It requires little effort. It demands no faith.

What I have been is not who I am. Though broken and cracked - in Christ - I am whole and complete. The former things have passed away and the new has come.

Wholeness in Christ requires effort. Not effort to achieve but rather to believe.

I know what I have been and now I seek to trust what I am.

Whole.

I am joining in with Five Minute Friday over at The Gypsy Mama. Where you write for 5 minutes - no more and no less. Each week is a new topic and today it was WHOLE. Check out the link and see what others have written!

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

The Gathered Graces

2011-08-01T17:30:00.001-04:00

Monday morning - is it the beginning of a work week or the ending of a weekend? In reality I guess, it is a little of both and that is okay.

This past weekend I had the grace of nothing. Pure unadulterated nothingness was savored. Each empty moment was gathered into a bouquet of grace - a fragrant and beautiful reminder that even in the nothing His presence abounds.

I need these bare moments.

It is more than a need. It is a craving – a desperate ache to be empty and wanting.

In a world that wants to be inundated with things to have and with things to do, I want less. I hunger for nothing.

I am learning that until I am naked and wanting. I will not see. I cannot hear. I forget to touch. I barely live. I am too easily distracted by thoughts and things and people.

This weekend was abundantly nothing. That was good, so very good.

Still savoring the simple and stark.

Today I join in with a thankful heart and gather the gratitude ...

- a long weekend away to empty
- a husband who loves to laugh
- dogs who are happy to see me come and sad to see me go
- garden fresh tomatoes still warm from the sun
- sweet corn on the grill
- thunder and rain on a hot summer evening
- a camera that can capture what I never really saw
- a heavy sigh and a warm embrace

Also joining in today with Laura and Playdates with God:

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

Deconstructing

2011-07-28T08:21:00.000-04:00

What gift are you giving that he did not first give? What truth are you teaching that he didn't first teach? You love. But who loved you first? You serve. But who served the most? What are you doing for God that he could not do alone?

How kind of him to use us. How wise of us to remember.

- Outlive Your Life...Max Lucado

It is easy to get lost in the doing, when what you are doing is good. It is a lesson that I am learning as I seek to serve others in the name of Christ.

Each mission trip taxes the heart, the mind, the body and the soul. It is a process of pouring out of all that was poured in. God does not fill us to become bloated and stagnate. Rather, fresh water - living water - is a continual cleansing flow.

So, it is imperative that I learn to not to impede the flow by stacking tasks and goals like a dam. Planning is good but seeking His timing is better. Setting an objective is important but allowing His intention to change the goal is crucial. When I get lost in the doing and begin to build the dam, I need time to deconstruct. To remove the impediments and revive my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. To restore the flow.

Seeking to "remember" it is Him. It always was. It will always be.

Learning to gaze in the right direction...

2011-07-27T16:57:00.000-04:00

No more shuffling along.

No more eyes to the ground only focused on what is immediately before me.

No more

Because there is so much more

To see

To touch

To taste

To love

To know

And to be thankful for.

Big picture living is what I want.

God eyes - Christ perspective - Spirit whisper.

I've missed too much.

Of life

Of hope

Of forgiveness

Of beauty

In the missing, I have sidestepped life. I have avoided love. I have blundered forgiveness. I have overlooked grace. I have fallen short of thanksgiving.

I have ached for more but failed to look up.

My heart is yearning to see from His perspective.

It is a sacred longing.

Through the tears...

2011-07-13T09:27:00.000-04:00

Joy is the echo of God's life within us!

-anonymous

I was asked this weekend if the tears ever stop falling. I couldn’t tell her yes because honestly, I pray they never do.

When I went on my first mission trip, I was overwhelmed by the stark contrast of what I knew and what they had. It was a black and white snapshot etched into my soul. In the days that followed I would gaze upon the memory, with eyes welled up in wonder. Time passed and the snapshot faded but the wonder never left me.

Since that time, I have had the privilege of traveling outside of my time and comfort zones and into the world and lives of others - Nicaragua, Ecuador, and Haiti. Each trip has been a stepping stone on a pilgrimage of heart and soul.

Each step has allowed me see beyond the obvious and the ordinary. My eyes no longer focus on the harshness of contrasts – no longer black and white etchings engraved into eternity. Rather each consecutive trip has become a Technicolor unfolding of a world I have only begged to know.

The tears still fall, my dear friend. Yet, now they are a prism to the beauty and grace of a world created. Rays of light separated into a rainbow of colors.

Red and yellow, black and white we are precious in His sight…

Don’t hold back the tears my friend, look through them and be amazed.

Do I dare believe...

2011-06-18T15:18:00.000-04:00

Haiti, my friends, is a country full of joy and pain. Its people are strong in spirit and weak in power. A legacy of betrayal, corruption and need take, like a thief in the night, the grace that begs to be found.

I don’t understand why people have to suffer to live. I can’t understand why those who try to make a difference for the better are found lying in their own blood. I will never understand why millions of dollars that were raised to help have never made it to the people who need it the most.

16 months after my last trip, I found this country in no better condition. I found its people working hard, very hard just to exist.

I am realistic enough to realize that a one week mission trip creates more of an impact in my own heart and life than it does for those I seek to encounter. Experience has taught me that seven short days can upend my world to a point of no return.

Still, I beg that what little I gave can be found in one heart.

This trip was a celebration of a school completed where one only existed in trees and tarps. Where red clay dirt clung like barnacles on all it touched. Where children learn and futures are pondered.

Dare I hope that a new building will harbor new dreams? Dare I believe that one day a child who sits in this new building will bring a new and better future to Haiti?

Yes, my friends, I dare to believe and hope. For I know that the God who moved people here in Maryland to build a school on top of a mountain in Haiti is the God who can change the heart and future of one small child and one hurting nation.

Do not build towers without a foundation, for our Lord does not care so much for the importance of our works as for the love with which they are done.

-Teresa of Avila

Bondye Bon!

2011-06-01T18:45:00.001-04:00

For those of you who have read my blog for at least a year, you know that my trip to Haiti in March 2010 had a significant impact.

It took my breath away.

It changed my vision and gave me new perspective.

My rightness became wrong.

Still and yet, God is good.

As the ebb and flow of life continues, I have had to learn not to float in my own comfort or drown in the riptide of wanting to change everything. Seven days – one simple week – made more of an impact than the 40-something years that passed before it.

Still and yet, God is good.

Realistically, I know those seven days did little to change the lives of the Haitians I encountered. I, however, was forever altered.

Change isn’t always evident to the naked eye. Matters of heart and soul flow deep at first much like a freshwater spring bubbling up from the depths below. I am still bubbling, my friends, with a trickle here and there that gives witness to the process.

Still and yet, God is good.

In five short days, I will leave again for that fractured island. My time there will be the dichotomy that is Haiti. Part of my days will be spent celebrating the school that was built on top of a mountain and the other half will be sharing life with those who remain in tents close to 17 months after the earthquake. Yet, in the midst of extremes there will be One who knits it all together. He is there – always.

Bondye Bon. (Kreyol for God is good)

All the time.

A Thin Place

2011-05-29T12:19:00.002-04:00

I have heard that the Celts describe a “Thin Place” as the place where heaven and earth collide. A kiss of sky and earth in the distant horizon, it is a sacred intersection when time and space stand still.

A little over a year ago I found myself in such a place. A sacred collision of my world and heaven – its impact mangled both life and heart. The effect has carried well into the days, weeks and months that followed. It has been a wrestling of soul and self where the One who gives my very breath demands my total submission.

And now my friends, I hear its echo like a deep and heavy drum. Its reverberation pulsates to the rhythm of my heart. Drawing me back to its hallowed ground and I can do nothing but go.

As I stand at the threshold, I know this moment carries with it a sure and certain risk. I wait expectantly. To be caught once again in that kiss.

Weekends are for...

2011-05-15T11:53:00.000-04:00

learning to love His way not mine...

May you share in this journey to

love well, love deeply, love completely

A Long, Slow, Deep Breath...

2011-05-13T12:49:00.001-04:00

Eyes closed

Unforced quiet

A long slow deep breath

Savoring the aroma of the moment

His presence surrounding me

Light and yet, heavy

Quiet and yet, screaming

Invading the very depths of my being

Here in this place

Now

I sense what seems fleeting

Remains everlasting

Him

Draw in

A long, slow deep breath

Life force

Strength for the moment

Strength for the day

Strength for eternity

Begins in the long, slow deep breath

Of Him

I am joining in with Five Minute Friday over at . This is when you write for 5 minutes - no more and no less. Each week is a new topic and today it was deep breath. Check out the link and see what others have written!

Seasons of Waiting

2011-03-18T06:32:00.000-04:00

I wait between the quiet and the silent. There is a difference, you know.

The silent is void. Nothing spoken, nothing heard.

Empty

Barren

Wanting

Much like winter, life appears dormant.

Hiding.

I know I have said it one way or another before but it remains true. I have wrestled long and hard this past year with the why and what of who I am. No easy answers are found – especially when everything is silent.

I wait.

And yet much like spring that buds new growth on what appeared long gone, I begin to hear and to the softest sound I strain. I want so desperately a newness to grow.

It is.

For in the quiet, it is His whisper that breathes warm across my heart. I begin to realize silence is a necessary dormancy and so is the wait.

It is a reckoning of sorts. For in it was the weighing of worth against the True measure of life. That which clung to me (or I to it) had to be shed like the dropping leaves in the fall. Stripped and naked there is no place to hide.

Bare

Uncovered

Flaws revealed. Mercy sought. Grace given.

And now, new growth begins.

I am joining in with Five Minute Friday over at . This is when you write for 5 minutes - no more and no less. Each week is a new topic and today it was waiting. Check out the link and see what others have written!

7 Days Ago

2011-03-17T17:06:00.000-04:00

Seven days ago…

A friend said the long goodbye to her grandmother by birth but mother by choice.

Seven days ago…

I wondered how long I would have before I too would be saying my long goodbye. 87 years is more than many of us will see and yet, mom is there in all its worn and tarnished glory.

Seven days ago…

I pondered who would be at my bedside when my time came especially if it came late. Having no children leaves an empty space in so many places.

Still and yet…

Seven days ago…

I saw a family rejoice in confidence that one they loved so dearly was whole and made perfect.

Seven days ago…

I gave my thanks for the one who gave birth and life to me.

Seven days ago…

I realized no matter what my circumstance - I am never alone.

What were you doing seven days ago?

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

In this place...

2011-03-07T17:23:00.000-05:00

Here

In this place

I hear

More than the waves

More than the wind

It is here

In this place

I hear

Him

Speak

Volumes

In the silence of words

In the cacophony of creation

Here

My sacred longing

Finds

A holy surrender

May I ask this of you...

2011-02-23T10:56:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

I have a favor to ask of you.
I believe this is a first and yet, I can't say it will be the last.

Many of you remember the tone of my heart began to change last spring after a life altering trip to Haiti. In that all too brief week, my world was rocked. Much like the rubble that occupied so much of that island country (and sad to say, still does) what I knew became broken and worthless.

God tends to break us, doesn't He?!
He has to - at least, He had to in my case.

Rock stubborn and immovable, I was.

But God...my two favorite words!

As the bricks continue to fall, this girl is grasping at a vision and a call far beyond my little world. That is where my favor comes in.

My church is partnering with World Hope International to build a school in Terra Rouge, Haiti. Terra Rouge is an isolated place that while January 12, 2010 did little to change its landscape - it has stood wanting for a long time. You can read a bit more here about Terra Rouge and a school called Bon Berger.

Bon Berger (Good Shepherd) is a school for around 300 children that meets in a pole and tarp (can we call it a building) facility. We have committed to help build a 4 room school that will serve over 800 children in 2 sessions daily. A school built of blocks and a tin roof - not sticks, stones and tarp.

Will you help us? If we get 800 people to donate $51.25 that will make the $41,000 to build this building.

One person for each child that will attend.
Just $51.25

I think it is important to share also that in a place where the unemployment rate is 80%, we have asked and committed that all the labor be local workers. So, not only is a school being built but people are getting a fair wage and work to build it.

Please prayerfully consider helping us.
You can click on the button at the top of the page and go to our church's website to donate (via a PayPal link). If you have Facebook you can go to our church's Facebook page and donate there. If you feel impressed, help us get the word out and pass it to all your Facebook friends.

In June we plan to go and celebrate the completion of the construction. Yes, that means, if God should grant me the grace I will be there again. My heart can barely stand it.

Thank you friends for indulging me.
I am grateful for your prayers and your support.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

When I saw...

2011-02-18T05:00:00.001-05:00

Not long after I saw those tents, I had the opportunity to do something more.

In a community where the homeless are “hidden” and “invisible”, you don’t know they exist.

But they do – exist, that is.

Barely

Like him, one who works every day. He had a home. He had a car. Lost them both at the same time and it isn’t easy replacing them.

Like her, she has a family but times are hard and they can’t help. Soon, they will be joining her in the ranks of the homeless. She wants to do more but near to 70 years jobs don’t come easy.

Whether we see them or not, they are here and there.

In the city

and

in the suburbs.

They would like a home. They would like a job.

What they are grateful for most is to be seen and acknowledged. Not for what they lack but for who they are beside their circumstances.

Men and women and children with hearts, souls, lives, experiences and stories much like you and me.

We all have stories.

And for a week, I was able to sit and listen to them and their stories.

Around a table we gathered with food and laughter. Awkward at first but by the week’s end we were family.

I miss them.

And when I see them, I let them know they are missed.

But most of all, I let them know they are seen and loved

by me

more importantly, by God.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

When you see...

2011-02-17T16:57:00.000-05:00

I live in a sleepy suburb of a Washington, DC.

A place where there are few sidewalks but many homes.

A place where you don’t always see the pain of another until the leaves fall and the wind begins to howl.

It is different in the city – less room, more visible.

Here, I didn’t know...

that in the woods near the W*lmart stands a tent that someone calls home.

I have been to Haiti. I have seen a post earthquake tent city.

But here

a tent

is a Home?

I don’t want to see but I can’t look away.

When you “see” what do you do?

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2011

Letting go...

2011-01-24T16:06:00.000-05:00

There are things that I just hold too tightly.

Some I think I should clench securely.

Most things in truth, I shouldn’t.

But I am good – real good - at holding on.

Like the proverbial dog with a bone I grasp tighter, growl louder and run away as fast as I can. Never once do I drop the bone.

Until now…

As I welcome 2011, I have come to an understanding that this year will be a year of RELEASE for me.

A 365 day beginning of a journey towards letting go…

Releasing the things I shouldn’t grasp so tightly – good and bad.

The accumulations of days and experiences last year have brought me here. 2010 was a year of awakening for me. I began to see far beyond the margins of my little world. Yet within its gathering, I realized that what lies beyond is not that far at all. Through Haiti, Guatemala and even here in my own backyard I have had the gift of unwrapping the unfamiliar to expose what I most want – GOD.

It is a realization that leaves me broken in so many ways and yet, like the grand mosaics that grace cathedrals, my broken becomes beautiful.

I have to let go of what I thought was mine.

I have to let go of what I dreamed was to be mine.

I have to let go of what I have grasped so tightly.

I have to untie the things that bind me.

I have to expose the hurt that hides within me and bid it farewell.

I have break up the root of bitterness that has found its place within me and place it aside.

I have to unleash the love, the grace and the mercy that God so abundantly pours out upon me into the lives I come to encounter.

I fear it will not be an easy task – this releasing.

But God…

Pry open my fingers, my heart, my mind and my soul. May I grasp nothing but what You desire for me. May I hold things tangible or not only as tightly as You allow. May I release them as quickly as You bid me. In the letting go may I find the only thing worth grasping...You!

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Unknown and yet...

2010-12-14T11:01:00.000-05:00

I was seeing something I had seen before and yet, I had never been in this place. Unknown and at the same time familiar – a sensation that is hard to grasp and much harder to find words to adequately describe but it was and is what I am experiencing.

The sun is the same glowing orb that rises over my home every day.

And there, it too shines brightly.

The wind is fiercely blowing through the trees outside my window. As it passes by me on its never ending journey.

It is much like the breeze that caressed my cheeks on the top of that mountain.

Indescribable creation beyond my borders…

Indescribable yet familiar…

God’s handiwork

Begging to be seen

Hungering to be touched

Longing to be loved

Here

And

There

I am ever grateful for the opportunity I have had to travel to see God's creation. I am amazed by the beauty and humbled by the abundance that He has given us - color; sounds; heights; depths; smells; animals and above all, His precious people.

My heart continues to be awakened from its slumbering state and amazed by His handiwork.

I continue to recount my meager thanks

- safe travel to and from Guatemala
- the breathless dance at 12,000 feet
- the indelibly marked vision of a little one chasing our bus through the fields
- experiencing it all with my husband by my side
- the opportunity to hold such beauty in my hands
- the grace to pray with these little ones

Depraved Indifference

2010-11-30T16:56:00.000-05:00

I just saw this video and I am without words. If you have the time, please watch.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Fractured...

2010-11-30T10:02:00.001-05:00

I am afraid. I wouldn't be honest if I said otherwise. However, it is not a fear of my physical safety but rather one of my heart.

A heart that still beats fractured from a small, island experience.

A heart that knows there is more breaking to come.

It is what I have asked for...

"to be broken by the things that breaks His heart"

Still and yet, this weakened vessel knows what lies ahead.

At this moment, I ponder my gratefulness ...

- suitcases crammed with shoes, books, soccer balls and blankets
- a plane ticket to Guatemala
- the grace of opportunity
- prayers of a church last Sunday
- a heart that still beats fractured

I may be afraid, my precious friends. But long ago I was told by a friend that the blessing is in "doing it afraid". There is truth to be milled there. We have not been called to the safe and the cozy. For in safety our clay crafted vessels remain intact.

Intact vessels keep to themselves what was never theirs to keep. What is poured in is meant to be shared. It is the broken and fractured vessel that leaks the grace that fills it.

On my way to being shattered.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

2010-11-22T13:29:00.000-05:00

There is nothing but God’s grace. We walk upon it; we breathe it; we live and die by it; it makes the nails and the axles of the universe.

-Robert Louis Stevenson

Sweet breath inhaled on a early morning walk

Sounds of dripping dew

A visual and tangible reminder of a morning's devotion..."What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

A community's stand for one who stood for us

Lots of shoes and the feet that are waiting for them

Warm cups of tea

Letters to a mother

Soft pillows, clean sheets and a warm home

Gentle and kind words

My very breath is a full measure of His grace. For neither the remainder of today or the plans for tomorrow are guaranteed.

Here and now my gratitude and His grace are meeting. May it not be the only time these two shall dance within my heart and on my lips.

Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth.

Grace evokes gratitude like the voice an echo.

Gratitude follows grace as thunder follows lightening.

Karl Barth

Please Pray...

2010-11-15T07:10:00.001-05:00

Update:

The outpouring of support for this family was in one word, overwhelming! This picture was taken from my phone as we began to gather. From that point, the number of people expanded in length and depth. While I wish we weren't having to stand there remembering the loss of a young man, I considered it an honor to do so.

Apparently, those who chose to protest did so but were about 1/2 mile away and I don't believe the family ever had to encounter them. I know that they had no impact where we were. I am grateful that we did not have to endure their ugliness.

The Patriot Guard escorted this funeral procession to Arlington National Cemetery. What an awesome sight!

Thank you for your prayers!

Original post:

On my Veteran's Day post, I asked for prayer for an upcoming funeral. This morning the funeral will take place and I come again to ask for prayer.

There are people that wish to spew their own twisted thinking onto those who are grieving. These people travel from Kansas just to disrupt the memories of those who have fallen in service. They are ugly and hateful. Neither of which are representative of God and of Christ.

I will be leaving shortly to stand in silent tribute to Lance Corporal Honeycutt a very young man who gave his life in honor and service.

Again, please pray that those who want to disrupt this funeral will not succeed. Please pray for TJ's friends and family as they say their "final goodbyes" to their son, brother and friend. Please pray for those that continue to serve with distinction and honor.

I have turned off comments. Please just pray.

Worthy of a Veteran

2010-11-11T08:56:00.001-05:00

I was privileged to have a father who served as a medic in the midst of battle torn Europe in World War II. I remember for years he would not or possibly could not even speak of his time in service. It wasn’t until span of years and length of age allowed him the opportunity to ponder and share those days with us. A few photos and some time-softened memories are all that remain. (my dad is on the far right)

I have also been honored to “serve” alongside my husband for 21 years as he stood prepared in the Air Force. And now while he no longer wears his dress blues, our hearts remain steadfast in honor and reverence. We choose not to forget the distinction and sacrifice of a life lived in service.
Now like many others who enjoy the graces of freedom and liberty, we stand this day in pensive pause. Ponder well, my friends the sacrifices of those who serve in uniform.

And yet, I sit here with thoughts and frustrations of what is to come.

Soon, a young man will be honored for the ultimate sacrifice and I have just found out that there will stand people who will use their voices and their signs to picket this funeral. They stand “in the name of their god” and spew hatred and ignorance.

I am sickened.

I am angry.

Their words are not worthy of an audience. Yet they will force their hatred upon those whose hearts are heavy – an additional weight this family should not have to endure. And yet, it is the sacrifice of this son and many others like him, they can stand in freedom and vomit their hatred.

I am having a tough time with this, can you tell?

Please pray with me that this day will be more than a day off from work but a pause to ponder the sacrifice of those who have and who are serving in uniform.

Please pray that this Monday the voices of those that hate will fall silent upon those whose hearts are heavy.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Thankful for the Sacred Graces

2010-11-02T18:22:00.000-04:00

I wonder sometimes where my thankfulness gets lost.

I start out well with good intentions and then before I know it my thoughts are jumbled and crossed. In the midst of such confusion, my heart soon wearies. I let the weight of the present fall heavy upon me. Under its burden, I miss the grace that longs to be seen.

Simple things...

Sunshine breaking through a cloudy sky

A red-crested woodpecker pounding away on a hard maple tree

Time to gather my thoughts and my words

Friends who are patient even when I am not

Faithful furry friends who stay closer than a shadow

The smell of his cologne that lingers well past his leaving for work

Memories recalled within spaghetti sauce and meatballs

An abundance of shoes waiting for feet

These simple graces are ones that transform moments into memories.

In the seeing I feel the breath of my Creator upon me. His Presence made manifest by a heart begging to bear witness.

Weary not I pray, of my feeble attempts to be attentive. Instead join me in counting the graces and giving thanks.

A late edition to "Multitude Monday - One Thousand Gifts", but a start nonetheless.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Until we meet again...

2010-10-04T09:16:00.000-04:00

The death of the Beloved bears fruit in many lives. You and I have to trust that our short little lives can bear fruit far beyond the boundaries of our chronologies. But we have to choose this and trust deeply that we have a spirit to send that will bring joy, peace and life to those who will remember us.

- Henri Nouwen

Once again we have made that sad journey back home to our beginnings. These painful trips have come much too often of late for my husband’s family. Less than two years ago we said “goodbye” to his father and then to his mother and now, to his baby sister.

Hers was bittersweet. I guess most are.

It was only a year ago that she had a horrible fall which left her paralyzed and on a ventilator. The days that passed were never easy. Battling infections, poor medical care, bedsores – a weary warrior who tried to fight but the victory was not to be here. So at 45 years, her story ends and our stories change.

Rest in peace, Robin.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

A Moment of Quiet in the Roar of the Waves

2010-09-23T14:13:00.000-04:00

This is what I usually see in my early morning

Not exactly the most relaxing, restful and beautiful sight, is it?!

BUT

This is what my morning has been looking like...

I beg you to keep me in this silence so that I may learn from it

the word of your peace

and the word of your mercy

and the word of your gentleness to the world:

and that through me perhaps your word of peace may make itself heard

where it has not been possible for anyone to heart it for a long time.

Thomas Merton

It is a sanctuary for my soul. A place where I come longing to be emptied of all that has distracted and overwhelmed me. A place to be awash in His grace and mercy. A place to be nothing more than His.

I am not sure why I feel it most in these watery places but I do.

I can't help but wonder if we each have that place that beckons us to come.

Contemplation is the response to a call; a call from Him Who has no voice, and yet Who speaks in everything that is, and Who, most of all, speaks in the depths of our own being: for we ourselves are words of His. But we are words that are meant to respond to Him, to answer to Him, to echo Him, and even in some way to contain Him and signifiy Him. Contemplation is this echo. It is a deep resonance in the inmost center of our spirit in which our very life loses its seperate voice and re-sounds with the majesty and the mercy of the Hidden and Living One.

Thomas Merton

Losing my voice but finding His in the roar of the waves.

And so begins the slow fade of summer...

2010-09-09T19:15:00.000-04:00

I am not sure where this passing season has been. No exciting beach moments – no trips meandering through interstates – no barreling down roller coasters or even being amused with a carnival game. Much like the words that have failed to find their mark here, my summertime has been somewhat of a ghost. And now its warm breezes are fading quickly.

I am not sure I am ready for it to go. Then again, I can’t say that I embraced it while it was here. So where is the loss?

Yesterday a friend asked me what I had been up to and all I could muster was a simple “I’ve been”. Seemingly these days have passed in virtual anonymity. Potential misplaced in the numbing routine of the ordinary.

Something, I read recently has resonated deep. An uncomplicated thought that “our doing flows out of our being.” I can’t help but hope that within this simple summer of being will be found something more.

Finding my radical faith...

2010-08-31T07:53:00.000-04:00

Has it really been so long since I have written?!

I wish I could say that I was on an exotic adventure but that wouldn't be the truth. Rather, my absence has been more of a tilling of the soul.

This dormancy on my blog has been born out of a seed planted in March. A seed, in truth, that was planted long before March 2010. A seed that found itself trapped in soil that was too hard to allow its birth. My experience in Haiti appears to have provided the crack in the clay of my soul allowing what was sown long ago to sprout and grow.

Sadly, I am not a gardener. My parents were and we enjoyed many fruits of their labors but I have grown little more than basil with any great success.

Gardening is not for the complacent and comfortable. A seed must be planted in soil that has been broken, prepared and cleared. A seed must have the right nutrients and be continually nurtured in order for it to grow. Weeds must be removed. Pests must be kept at bay.

…somewhere along the way we had missed what is radical about our faith and replaced it with what is comfortable. We were settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves.

excerpt from Radical by David Platt

Somewhere along the way I settled for the comfortable faith. Could I tell you when? No, I fear that the majority of my faith walk has been comfy and contented. For the most part, I did the “right” things and I said the “right” things. Of course, the gauge I was using to measure the “rightness” of my actions was, shall we say, not as accurate as it should have been. Then came this tiny island with an immense disaster.

My “rightness” felt maimed when my feet walked next to tents housing families. My “rightness” fell silent when requests for food echoed in my ears. My “rightness” became wrong in a matter of a mere seven days.

So this is where I have been of late, figuring out how to trade my comfortable life for one that is radically abandoned to Christ. It isn’t an easy process but it is one worth all the sweat and tears.

We meet again...

2010-07-13T08:43:00.002-04:00

She sits under the shade of an umbrella watching people pass by. It has been awhile since I have seen her. Yet in the passing days, I haven’t stopped wondering – who is she; what is her story.

We all have them, don’t we? Stories that is. Some are filled with abundance. Some are full of joy and laughter. If you were lucky, you had a good measure of both. There are those, however, whose stories carry more sadness and pain than we can ever guess to imagine.

Those stories aren’t easy to read. They lie hidden behind the eyes. We don’t get access to them with formalities and acquaintance. The pages only turn with grace, love, compassion and time. You earn the right to know the story. Not by what you give but by what you are.

Real.

Today, her story unfolded just a bit. In the warmth of July afternoon we shared time, a cool drink and a few words. Today, I know her name and now she knows mine.

Joan has a story.

And so do I.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

I am joining in at Tuesdays Unwrapped at Chatting at the Sky. Join us in the celebration of the moments that make up our lives.

Tuesdays around the World

2010-07-06T05:01:00.000-04:00

The "dog days" of summer are hitting here. Looking for somewhere to nap and keep cool.

A 4th to Remember

2010-07-05T19:26:00.000-04:00

Sizzling morning sun
Church in a ballpark

Who on first

What on second

Great decisions today

at home base
Scorched skin
Brisket on the grill

Fresh green beans

simmering all day
An evening baseball game
Fireworks

It was a good day.

How was yours?

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Inhaling deeply

2010-06-22T17:49:00.000-04:00

It was a deep breath morning.

I need mornings like this.

Lots of them.

Mornings when I can sit on my swing in the sanctuary of my surroundings and hear Him speak to me. When my emptiness is wanting and His abundance is waiting.

This morning was full of an evanescent quiet. Fleeting as it was, I found myself enveloped by a gentleness that danced into my awakening.

A childlike moment that is as simple as blowing dandelion seeds into the wind. A deep breath casting the seeds of grace to carry me through the day.

Joining in today at Chatting At The Sky's Tuesday Unwrapped

A Rainy Trip to Ohio

2010-06-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

Really and truly, I think that it always rains in Ohio. It has become a constant joke that each and every time I visit the rain clouds come out. So, I wasn't surprised that as I crossed the border from Pennsylvania into Ohio the moisture began to accumulate on my windshield. Wasn't surprised but definitely disappointed. Yet, rain or not I was here to spend a few days with my mom. And, that is what I did.

Growing old isn't as graceful for some as we would wish. Sadly, my mom is one that has aged in a less than kind way. Parkinson's has taken more from her golden years than should be fair. I wish it would be different but wishing doesn't make things so. Still and yet, I was here for a whirlwind visit and rain or no rain we were going to do something fun.

Gratefully, my nursing background gives me the knowledge on how to transfer mom from wheelchair to car. So, off we went on a little excursion. We traveled around the old town. Drove by the old homestead. Time has not be kind to that neighborhood either. We passed by the university and saw the new stadium and dorms. Thankfully, this once vibrant manufacturing town has a growing university to fill the empty spaces. Soon, we found ourselves at P.F. Changs because Mom had a hankering for Chinese food. While she didn't quite understand why there were no Chinese people (servers) in the Chinese restaurant, nonetheless, she enjoyed the food. Every good meal should be followed by a yummy dessert and soon we were parked in front of our favorite frozen custard stand. A few more stops and we were back "home".

"Home". It doesn't seem right to call this place "home" but for her right now, that is what it is. All my best promises and intentions meant nothing when Parkinson's and dementia came knocking. What I am left with is a good bit of sadness, a tad bit of guilt and a lot of gratefulness that Mom is happy where she is.

The raindrops weren't falling when I left Ohio - only my tears. So, all you Buckeyes put away your umbrellas and hand me a kleenex, please.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

A morning walk

2010-06-10T18:32:00.000-04:00

Fresh air, warm sun and the slow awakening of the world around me was a moment of grace at the start of my day. In this very brief moment, I am able to gather in deeply the beauty of life and creation.

Too soon the day will become busy and distracting. It was never His intent. Nor is it His making. It is mine. All mine.

Nonetheless, the Creator's canvas is always before me. Beauty and grace appear with each stroke of His hand and whisper of His breath. These moments are never meant to be brief and fleeting. Rather, with eyes to see and ears to hear I would encounter the unimaginable beauty that surrounds my every breath. A beauty that should bring me to my knees.

His Spirit beckons me to pause.

To see.

And hear.

Then be changed.

I am learning to turn from the chaos and seek the calm of the Creator. To look deeper into the eyes of the one I am talking to. To listen beyond the words but to the heart. To wander beyond the obvious into the deep.

It is a faith walk, my friends. A simple path to the place where heaven's grace caresses the earth. Prepare to remove your sandals because we are standing on Holy Ground.

New Doors

2010-06-02T10:30:00.000-04:00

I know that my blog has been a bit redundant after the Haiti trip. Quite honestly, I am ashamed to say it has been a lot like the movie "Groundhog Day". I was too afraid to move on.

On Saturday, I stepped down from any real role on our church's womens ministry leadership team. It was a humbling departure for I had to admit that I hadn't been pulling my fair share for the last few months. I was too busy wrestling with God and not wanting to give up something that I have been so involved in for the last 15 or so years (3-4 at this church). But as I walk away from this with a limp, I know that I have chosen the right thing.

For much to long, I have been wanting to stay comfortable in what I know rather than stepping out into the waters God was calling me to.

My lack of follow through left me listing like a boat without a paddle or motor. Disobedience does that.

My lack of follow through caused confusion not only for me but for those around me. Disobedience does that.

My lack of follow through compounded problems rather solved even one. Disobedience does that.

My willful disobedience didn't bring about anything of value or lasting promise.

So, Saturday I had to ask forgiveness from my God and from those around me. Not easy but necessary.

Necessary for the next step...

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Seeing things differently now...

2010-05-28T09:37:00.002-04:00

I have seen her before walking in this neighborhood. I have seen her sitting outside of Starbucks nursing a tall cup of coffee. Still, I have no idea who she is.

Up until now, I barely paused long enough to get my own grande extra hot chai latte much less seek to encounter a stranger enjoying hers. Life has a way of keeping you busy. Leaving you distracted.

But since my Haiti trip, I have been seeing things differently and pausing more along the way.

This morning I see her again but this time it is different. What I saw was neither what I expected nor something I could walk away from.

On this morning, she is rustling through the trash can outside of a store, until she found a treasure in a crumpled Chick-fil-A bag. The remnants of someone’s feast are now becoming her breakfast.

Here, in one of the sleepy suburbs surrounding the nation’s capital a meal is gathered from a garbage can. I know this isn’t the first meal she has collected this way and that mere fact breaks my heart.

Where have I been? Why haven’t I had the eyes to see?

I am grateful, for what my mission trip to Haiti has done for me. It has given me a new perspective. I see life a bit differently – scratch that – a lot differently. Life was much more “comfortable” for me before March…now, I long to be uncomfortable.

When I consider things like two billion people in this world live on less than $2 dollars a day. Less than half of what a grande chai latte costs me. I am challenged. When I think of the sheer numbers of people who are being trafficked – not just overseas but here in our own backyard – I am confronted. When I read the scriptures, I am disturbed. I should be disturbed. We all should be. For in the Word we will find verse after verse that calls us out of our comfort and into a life of compassion and service. Not an infrequent trip to the homeless shelter or once in a lifetime mission trip overseas but rather a daily, minute by minute living out the suffering of those around us.

Challenged, confronted and disturbed all in the name of change. I have been asking God what He expects of me now that I have seen. He has been speaking.

He is causing a revolution in my heart, my friends, a radical change of perspective and new direction. To God be the glory.

Exciting news...Peace for the Journey Book Release!

2010-05-03T13:24:00.001-04:00

I love the often quoted saying of Mother Teresa, "We are pencils in the hand of God."

We all have gifts given and ordained by God for the purpose of furthering His story in our lives.

A few have been given the gift of wordsmith. An exceptional art of gathering thought and purpose in a written form. Those who do it well, create for us a treasure beyond compare. Today, I rejoice with one such wordsmith who has ventured into the marketplace of ideas as a published author.

Elaine at Peace for the Journey has published her first book. If you have not visited her blog, I challenge you to do so now. Meet her - read her words and I am sure that you will see His imprint all over it. Then, go do what I am going to do right now....buy her book!

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Only a month ago...

2010-04-15T10:53:00.000-04:00

Today is exactly one month since I left for Haiti.

Just one month.

It seems like yesterday and at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago.

I want to go back and that seems hard for many to understand. Unless you stand on that fractured island and share a moment in life with people who have endured so much and yet are full of “joie de vivre”, you can’t understand.

For me, this transition home has been difficult. And maybe that is how it is when you go on a mission trip like this. The scales are off my eyes. My vision is no longer myopic. It is panoramic.

Alive again!

2010-04-05T22:07:00.001-04:00

What has passed is no more and the joy to come is the promise we seek. Yet, it is the now, in all its fermenting anguish that still must be lived.

He did

all of it

for me

Each painful step He endured was because of me. Each tortured moment of flesh torn, pierced and punctured was suffered for my sin - not His, for He had none. Each second of seperation that broke His heart was borne that I would never be...

seperated

from God

Would I be a worthy recipient of such an offering?

never

no matter how hard I tried

it could never be

Until...

He gave His all.

As the trees bud and the flowers bloom the promise of new growth is overwhelming. What lay dormant for months has come alive again. I can feel it within.

Mwen Grangou

2010-03-24T08:22:00.001-04:00

There are those moments when the world seems to stop on its axis. When the very air you breathe is sucked out of the room.

Heart-stopping
Mind-numbing

In a room full of people, I knelt face to face with one. She spoke in Kreyol and I fumbled to understand. Fumbling didn’t help. There is nothing in Kreyol that registers with my synapses – lips move, vocal cords utter and I stand blank as an empty sheet of paper. Yet, her eyes were speaking with a want and intensity that I could not deny.

I called Wilson, our very capable interpreter, over to help break this barrier of language and he did. With a somewhat hesitant pause, he relayed words that cut me to my very core - "mwen grangou - I am hungry".

At that very moment, my God took on the appearance of a little Haitian girl and spoke Kreyol to the very core of my soul. As I stood there it was as if the words of Matthew 25:35-40 came alive in full Technicolor.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger and you invited me in. I needed clothes and you clothed me. I was sick and you looked after me. I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothed you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?” The King will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

The brutal reality is what small attempt I may have done to appease this little one’s need, is but a drop in the ocean of her life - a fleeting instant that will soon be followed by many more “mwen grangou” utterances. The need in Haiti is overwhelming – physical, emotional, spiritual. It is hard to reconcile my abundance with their want.

What was once printed on paper or flashed upon a TV screen, has become flesh and blood to me. It was easier when I could turn the page or change the channel, easier for me, not for them. What is in my heart now cannot be so easily forgotten or ignored.

I have heard the cry with my own ears. I have hugged the need with my own arms. I have looked the distress face to face. I can’t turn away.

That is where I am right now - unable to turn away and wondering where to go next.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

I'm Home

2010-03-22T16:23:00.001-04:00

It is hard to process this last week.

I am glad to be home and yet, I wish I was still there.

The need is overwhelming. Photos and newscasts can never truly convey the harsh reality of life in post-earthquake Haiti.

Still and yet, joy exists there in the midst of life.

I will be spending the next few days trying to sort out where my heart, my mind, my soul and my body have been. More importantly, where do I go from here because surely, my life cannot return to where it once was.

I’ve seen too much.

This video may have been taken in Rwanda but I lived the same in Haiti and sit here in tears knowing "their pain has changed me".

All too deeply and forever.

I can't explain it right now anymore than that.

A Lesson in Faithfulness

2010-03-11T18:30:00.000-05:00

The light of God surrounds me;

The love of God enfolds me;

The power of God protects me;

The presence of God watches over me.

Wherever I am, God is.

Never have these words meant more to me.

Since January, I have felt God whisper over and over to me that I need to rely on His faithfulness. Something this girl is not want to do. I am a doer. I am a controller. Trust and reliance is a lesson that, sadly, must be reviewed frequently.

When this opportunity to go to Haiti occurred, things moved fast – too fast for me to control. Much of it was and remains a blur.

Last Tuesday, I found out that we needed medical supplies. We had nothing. Having been on a medical mission before I know the difficulty in obtaining supplies and I could feel the anxiety rising. Twelve days doesn't leave much time for acquiring the necessary items. I sent an email to family and friends, asking first for prayer and if they could – money.

And, I prayed.

Within two days, I received $300. Each day that number grew in size until it was doubled. Many needed supplies have been purchased. In the midst of this, I remembered a wonderful organization that provides needed supplies free of charge for mission groups and after a phone conversation, I was on a 4 hour trek to pick up more supplies. What an amazing blessing they were!

My bags are overflowing now. So much so, that every member of our team has been asked to carry some of the medical supplies in their checked bags.

I continue each day to be overwhelmed by the light of God shining brightly into my circumstances - even those that seem most mundane and irrelevant. His grace is overwhelming.

I continue to feel the love of God enfold me. Sweet embraces through friends – through songs – through quietness. A filling within that soon, I pray, I can pour out in Haiti.

I believe in His protection over the days to come – through the travel that is ahead and for the time in a foreign land.

Wherever I am – whether at home or in Haiti – God is.

Faithful and true.

He was, He is and He will always be!

And there is where I am learning to place my trust.

We leave for the fractured ground of Haiti on Monday, March 15. This promises to be a whirlwind trip and a sure assault for all our senses and our hearts. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for our safety; for our bags and supplies to arrive in a timely manner; for our health and above all, that God will be glorified and our presence will be of some benefit to the people in Haiti.

In just a little while...

2010-03-02T04:18:00.000-05:00

I have waited for the words to come. A wait which hasn't been easy for this one who finds her expression best in the written rather than the spoken.

And yet, this long pause of keyboard and pen has been necessary.

For in the days to come, there will be many words, too many I fear. Because what I have seen from the comfort of my living room, I will soon experience in the rawness of reality. The images that have been softened for public consumption will become tempered by the fires of life.

Since the earth began its dance beneath this tiny island in January, I have wanted to go. In the days to come, March 15 to be exact, my feet will leave the familiar for grace of the unknown.

I am beginning to understand that my wordless moments have been a needed preparation. So, I beg for your grace for a bit longer and your prayers for my upcoming trip to Haiti.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

Thawing thoughts and words...

2010-02-20T06:03:00.000-05:00

I can hardly believe that it has been so long since I have ventured fingers to keyboard. But much like my world, my words have been frozen deep within the crazy of life.

So, I am hoping that much like this picture, the thaw will begin and unearth some treasures within.

I pray that this weekend's wanderings will include some rest and writing. Soon, I hope the sprouts of thoughts and words will find themselves here!

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

My weekend continues...

2010-02-07T10:39:00.006-05:00

At times in these past few days it was difficult to tell where the heavens stopped and the earth began.

As quickly as the flakes fell to earth they gathered in numbers upon their terrestrial bed. Quickly and almost completely, the line blurred between the two.

Beautiful from the inside but wearying from the outside. We waited, we watched and then we shoveled.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

My front steps after round 2 of shoveling:

My front steps 4-5 hours after round 2 of shoveling and waiting for round 3

Thank goodness for fancy electric shovels! (especially for round 3 shoveling of the driveway) Rounds 1 and 2 wreaked havoc on the conventional shovel. We had to bid a painful goodbye to that old friend.

Yes, that is snow...up to his waist!

Great exercise for the Maggie!

Sammy loves it, too!

Now, this is where you will find me...

Keeping warm in the Blizzard of 2010!

Ahead for my weekend...

2010-02-05T07:09:00.000-05:00

The air is heavy with expectation and soon, very soon, will give birth to the much anticipated…snowflake.

This winter has been full of these moments. Too full some would say.

Nonetheless, I find myself once again in a pregnant pause before the storm. The supplies have been purchased. The camera is charging. I wait in grateful anticipation for the forced interruption to life.

What is ahead for your weekend?

I Find My Soul...

2010-01-26T08:53:00.000-05:00

In this darkest of night

when my eyes should be heavy in slumber,

sleep does not come.

My mind fumbles awake

with jumbled thoughts and awkward intentions,

restless it wanders.

My heart hungers for touch

in this cold and lonely night,

aching bare and alone.

In this dark and holy moment

when my eyes are heavy

my mind unsettled

my heart broken

I find my soul,

Uncovered

Empty

Waiting

Bear With Me...

2010-01-25T12:16:00.000-05:00

As you can tell, I am playing with a new template. So, over the course of the next few days things will hopefully be changing over here.

© A Sacred Longing 2009-2010

One Thousand Gifts...counting on

2010-01-25T09:03:00.002-05:00

Like gathering flowers on a spring morning, I continue to enfold the graces given. To look upon and remember that their amazing abundance should not be missed.

I nearly missed these moments, my friends. I almost chose not to be there and ever grateful that I didn't.

21. Sunrise on the Chesapeake Bay

22. A precious and holy moment at the start of my day

23. A warm, cozy fire with precious friends

24. A vision of home

25. Catching up on some much needed rest

Ever grateful I am that the recollecting continues. Grace in the simplest forms should never be missed.

Twilight Examen

2010-01-20T20:54:00.004-05:00

Twilight is falling like a gentle rain. I am not ready for this day’s impending demise because there is much left within me wanting – yet it comes, ready or not.

So, rather than fight the inevitable, I pause to collect my thoughts.

What has this day brought to me? What have I given back to it?
Have those I met been better for our encounter?
What is this day’s greatest blessing?
What is undone...can it remain so for now and maybe forever?
What one thing did I accomplish that brings joy to my heart?
Is there someone I need to make peace with?

Simple questions.
Profound answers.

Within this sacred pause, I am both graced and confronted. Yet, in order to live my life mindfully they must be asked.

For too long, I have toddled along my life’s path from moment to moment missing the holy in the midst of the mundane.

Too often I ventured from the good way because the wrong way looked so right. Those missteps have carried a heavy price.

In these twilight opportunities, we are given opportunity to draw down the shade of this day and wrap ourselves in the great silence of night. Waste not this chance.

Soon, very soon, the grace of another dawn will rise.

O’ Lord, support us all the day long, until the shadows lengthen, and the evening comes, and the busy world is hushed and the fever of life is over, and our work is done. Then, Lord, in your mercy grant us safe lodging, and a holy rest, and peace at the last; through Jesus Christ our Lord.
John Henry Newman

The counting continues...

2010-01-17T20:26:00.005-05:00

It has been a difficult beginning to this year. One might find it even difficult to notice the graces beyond the grief.

Still, when the watching is clouded by life, the graces remain.
Constants in the midst of turmoil.

So as I begin to regroup and gather my life once again, I meet here in this moment to mark the blessings observed.

12. A mother who loved her family, not perfectly, but as completely as she could.

13. The opportunity to say goodbye one last time.

14. Memories caught on paper, recorded in photos and etched forever in our minds.

15. Friends who came, not because they knew her but because they loved us.

16. Tears that empty our souls of the hurt within.

17. A night's rest on a cozy bed under warm blankets on a cold winter night.

18. The prayers of those who venture to my little corner of cyberspace. We've never met and yet we journey a path together.

19. Employers and coworkers who understood and supported us.

20. The peace that comes from knowing our grief is as transient as our lives and one day - it will be no more. One day the joy will come and remain forever!

These moments are necessary, my friends. I pray that you too find time to gather your graces. When the sacred chaos of life overwhelms, purposefully observe. Draw them close. Remember them. In the grasping, you will feel the hand of God.

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Rest In Peace

2010-01-14T20:47:00.004-05:00

And I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the Unknown.” And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”
Minnie Haskins

(my mother-in-law at her first time at the beach EVER -October 2009)

So, this dear friends is where I have been – learning to say goodbye.

My mother-in-law fought valiantly but her body failed her. The doctors, nurses, machines and medicines tried to change the course of fate but it was not to be. On January 6, 2010 with her family bedside, the machines stopped and so did the world, for one brief moment.

Collectively, we have said our goodbyes and shed our tears.

Privately, we are learning that grief lingers in corners and closets. This is not how a new year should begin.

2010
Be kind to me, I pray.
Your beginning has not been welcomed.

I beg of you that the days to come be kinder and gentler.

One Thousand Gifts - Counting on

2009-12-28T18:24:00.014-05:00

This has been a difficult week. Not the usual for such a festive time of the year but nonetheless, it was ours.

We spent the last few days traveling between to mothers - his and mine. One holding on tightly to this side of heaven and the other dreaming soon she will be there, face to face.

We are just plain tired.

We didn't shop. We didn't wrap. We didn't open. We didn't eat in abundance.

We did spend the holiday with two who have loved us most.

We did give what we could - ourselves - to those who wanted nothing more.

At first I confess, I found it hard to be grateful. It was too easy to moan and complain even if most of those words remained in my head. Sadly, that was selfishness within not the Truth all around.

Yet, here in this exercise I am an unwrapping the gift I needed the most.

A grateful heart focused on the Truth not the circumstance.

6. Doctors, nurses and aides who work seven days a week, 24 hours a day and 365 days a year with compassion and professionalism

7. The love of a mother's heart

8. A memory recalled when most are forgotten

9. A hot cup of coffee on a cold winter morning

10. The sweet and savory aromas of a favorite Italian deli triggering a multitude of memories

11. Safe travel to and from Ohio

Miss not on these opportunities, my friends, to recollect your graces. While your eyes may not always see your favors, in a simple act of remembrance grace abounding will be found.

A Journey of Grace

2009-12-21T06:02:00.017-05:00

While it seems most fitting to save "starts" like this to the beginning of a new year, I don't think that this should wait.

I have waited too long.

Could this be why my days long gone have felt like something less?
Could it be why my present day seems jumbled and harried?
Could it be why my days to come seem pressing and formidable?

Simple things unrecognized and often, just plain ignored. In my missed appreciation, much more was lost.

So, this day I join the multitude in giving voice to my thankfulness.

1. A shimmering blanket of white that forced upon us a pause to life.

2. Hope that can be found in silence and prayer. An echo of Light in the gray, dark of life.

3. Beauty that speaks Truth

4. A hot and steamy bowl of chili.

5. A faithful friend waiting for me.

And so it begins.

A testament to the bounty that was and is and will be upon my life.

A record of simple things and yet profound, for in their recollection I am given much.

Like a gift being unwrapped, in the remembrance and then the writing, I am finding the treasure within...perspective.

So with this post I join my gratitude with others and though it may be a day late, it really is not. For it is never too late to be grateful.

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.
Johannes A. Gaertner

White is the snow

2009-12-20T13:21:00.002-05:00

Well, the sun is shining and we (hubby, really) are shoveling our way out of the house. I am not sure when we will be able to venture on the road. We were pretty close to 2 feet of snow at our house. So, unless it melts or the nice man in the truck with big yellow plow comes down our road we may be stuck here for a day or two. We shall see what happens.

Until then, chili and hot chocolate for everyone!

It's beginning to look a lot like a BLIZZARD!

2009-12-19T05:30:00.004-05:00

Seriously, isn't the official start of winter yet to come!

Hunkering in for a few days I guess. Photos to come. Right now, 530am we have had about 6 inches since 9pm last night and today the heaviest snow is supposed to fall.

Anyone have a snow blower?

© A Sacred Longing 2009

A Winter's Journey

2009-12-14T08:38:00.002-05:00

It seems fitting that the seasons have marched on. For as much as my surroundings have reflected the solemn barrenness of winter, I can’t help but feel its echo in my life.

Of late it has been like looking into a frozen pond and seeing a fragmented reflection. Life has handed some difficult assignments. Frankly, I would rather not have endured any one of them but the choice is not mine to make. It is what it is. Even so, my path is not the most difficult which makes me feel selfish in my misery.

There are those who have lost more and whose suffering will remain even past a season’s change. Theirs is a path I will not tread. I cannot tread. Ours is a solitary journey to make. Yet, in the days to come our two paths will meet and in that moment we will have the opportunity to be to each other what we cannot be to ourselves.

It is for such times that my soul longs for the whisper of faith and embrace of grace. Reassurances that in the midst of the bleakness there is hope. A promise that in the moment when our paths converge I will be prepared to be what is needed - not for me but for her.

While my life at times appears to be wilderness living, I am no John the Baptist. Yet, the song from Zechariah’s lips resonates in my heart.

…you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him. , to give his people knowledge of salvation through forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.

Luke 1:76-79

My breath hangs heavy in the stark cold air. In its ebb and flow there is a visible reminder life remains. This life, this breath compels me to walk on in faith preparing the way for Him.

A brief update...

2009-12-10T14:53:00.005-05:00

Well, hello there! I have not abandoned my blog - just one too many life interruptions. I am almost as wiped out as my golden retriever appears.

This will be brief but I hope to be back again in the next few days with some thoughts.

My mother-in-law remains in the hospital in ICU. She seems to be moving toward the right direction with the healing of the infection and surgery. Unfortunately, the last few days have been a bit crazy (literally) with some ICU related confusion. It happens. Hospitalization + ICU + medications + over 70 years = confusion. Last night was a glimmer that the fog is clearing, so we wait some more. The doctors said she would be in the hospital close to 3 weeks. I doubted that initially, not so much now!

My sister-in-law, Robin, got some difficult news. Her doctors and insurance company feel that she needs to move to a lower level of care (i.e. nursing home). They don't think that she will make significant progress quickly enough to warrant a continued stay in the long term acute care hospital. It is frustrating to see the "system" work so poorly. There is so much that needs to be done to let her be as independent as possible but this a process that will take months if not years. As a former acute rehab nurse who worked with spinal cord injured patients, I understand but it doesn't make it easier. 44 years old is WAY TOO YOUNG to be in a nursing home.

Life is fragile friends. It is a lesson that is settling deep within me of late.

More to come soon...thank you for your continued prayers.

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Urgent Prayer Request

2009-11-30T17:42:00.002-05:00

Oh my dear friends, I can hardly believe that I am once again asking for prayers. This has been a tough year for my husband's family.

My mother-in-law was taken to the hospital on Friday evening and had to have emergency surgery. In the process of recovery, the doctors were keeping her sedated and have been waking her up intermittently to make sure there have been no cognitive changes.

Today, she had a reaction to some medicine and now they are unable to wake her up. We need prayer!

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Student of Grace

2009-11-23T05:58:00.007-05:00

Learning to be thankful in all things, so I am and fearfully, so I think I will always be - learning. I am beginning to understand that this side of heaven the splendor is found for me here.

It is in the learning that I come face to face each and every time with grace.

It rarely gets better than that.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more...It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events.

Melody Beattie

Grace abounds to those who are thankful. Life and circumstances may not change. Yet, in our thankfulness we see beyond the horizon where grace shines bright.

A long and winding road...

2009-11-12T10:20:00.004-05:00

I have been on a long road to daybreak.

It seems like I have been walking hard this last year.

I know that there are times in our lives when the journey seems more cumbersome; when the scenery we pass by is sparse and when the steps we take are incredibly lonely.

I know this doesn’t surprise you (those few that venture to this blog) as my writing has reflected a heavy heart and heavier feet.

Even so the path I wander, much like yours, is full of twists and turns. Our foolish hearts and impaired vision would have us believe that the scenery and thus our lives are stagnant and barren.

Don’t believe that lie!

For rooted deep within our spirit is the joy that comes from the Creator Himself, it is there where our faith is fashioned not by the circumstance of life but the love of our God.

Anticipate the future and its changes with joy. There is a seed of God’s love in every event, every circumstance, every unpleasant situation in which you may find yourself.
Barbara Johnson

I am cresting this hill. I know it.

There will be more hills ahead. I know that too.

My prayer is that my heart and my vision will see the seeds of heaven, first and foremost.

On this Thursday, I am thankful for so much….

I am thankful that my husband’s health. The news we received from the doctor was positive and relieving. Our prayers have been answered – no medical intervention is necessary.

I am thankful that my sister-in-law has made it safely to Ohio. She continues to grow stronger. A few days ago she was able to ingest some applesauce and speak a few words with her speech therapist. We continue to pray that she will not be ventilator dependent and rejoice in the hope that continues.

I am thankful that God never wants to leave us where we are.

I am thankful quiet rainy mornings, my bible and my journal. Add a pair of PJ’s and a cup of coffee, heaven on earth, I tell you!

I am thankful for this blogging community. Sweet friends in Christ, who inspire, encourage and sweeten my days. I am grateful for your prayers. I appreciate your visits and enjoy your comments.

Walking a little bit lighter and a lot brighter….

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Faith Walking

2009-11-05T15:12:00.003-05:00

Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe…Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share in the wonder of it all.
Abraham Joshua Heschel

I want to be a faith-walker. I want to be one who does not muddle a life journey with the need to know. I want to be one who steps out in faith into the great unknown desiring only to share in the wonder and glory of the God who created it all.

Like Noah, who built an ark when it wasn’t raining.
Like Abraham, who went even though he didn’t know where he was going.
Like David, who as a child killed the giant warrior with a stone and a sling while the armies watched.
Like Esther, who approached the king not knowing if he would receive her or kill her.
Like Isaiah, who saw the Lord seated on His throne; felt his unworthiness and with touch of God’s glory eagerly offered to be sent by the Lord as a prophet.
Like the disciples who left their nets and their lives to follow the One who called to them.
Like Stephen who spoke boldly for the Lord and was stoned for it – in his dying moment he prayed for those who threw the stones.
Like Saul who became Paul after a meeting with Jesus on the road to Damascus. His life was never the same.

A faith walker doesn’t ask why. With faith, there is that unknown factor. If you can see, you can touch it and you know why it is there – do you really need faith?

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1 NIV

I am not a faith walker or at least not one with great consistency. My “why’s” are often like the “why’s” of a toddler, incessant.

Is the need to know really important?

If knowing the why’s doesn’t really change the circumstance then I would say the knowing isn’t important. Faith, however, is essential.

Often, the situation remains unchanged but it is faith that causes a transformation. Not in the circumstance but in the heart.

My “why’s” should be my “why not’s” in Christ.

Why not believe in the God who created my inmost being and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Why not believe in the God who has created and ordained the days before even one came into being.
Why not believe in the God who gave of His very own save me.

Why not trust my yesterday, today and tomorrow to the God who planned for me, created me, saved me, knows me and sustains me.

Faith goes up the stairs that love has made and looks out the window which hope has opened.

Charles H. Spurgeon

I am stepping on and stepping up in faith. Care to join me?

Welcome Home

2009-11-01T19:21:00.003-05:00

Home

That is where we are now. Almost unpacked and settled in.

Often the coming home is much sweeter than the being away - hard to believe and even harder to say.

What not so long ago was the rut and routine has gracefully become the warm and cozy. Within its embrace we are welcomed back to the reality of life.

And, we are glad to be back.

I think that we all need those get away moments. Sabbath breaks in the midst of being. Occasions to release, replenish and return.

Release that which we should never had gripped so tightly.
Replenish what is left empty and wanting.
Return not so much to what was but what should have always been.

2009-10-30T11:22:00.007-04:00

Waking up to a glorious sunrise like this, makes me want to stay. However, in the distance, I hear the call to return to life and home.

While what awaits back home is more of the heavy and burdened, I can rest in the joy that the sun will rise again and bring with it new rays of hope, grace and peace.

Sunrises don't just happen at the beach. They grace the mountaintop, the cityscape and the countryside.

I would do well to remember that.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Just a little prayer update: My sister-in-law flew via medivac back to Ohio today. We made it to Wilmington NC to see her on Wednesday. When we arrived she was off the ventilator and doing well. In fact, she was off for almost 4 hours - what wonderful praise! There is much hope that she will not need ventilator support. She still is unable to move her arms or legs but if we can get her off the vent we can start the rehab soon!

Monday my husband will see a new doctor regarding his pulmonary function. Our prayer is that he will not need any invasive medical intervention at this point. Would appreciate continued prayer for him.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

2009-10-25T10:59:00.004-04:00

I am here, finally.

It seems like it has been so long, too long, since I have heard the waves crashing against the shore. It is a symphony to my spirit, sweet, sweet music singing over me.

Rest my dear one, for if I can manage this vast ocean I can surely take control of this life you call yours. Did I not create you? Did I not plan your days before nary a one was cast into being? Don't worry my precious one, I have it. All along I have had it, I have told you so. Why don't you know?

There are things I know and things I KNOW. There is a difference.

Book learning is easy. It is the heart and soul learning that I find more difficult. These lessons are harder, at least most of them.

That is why I adore the beach. Even with the pound of the surf and the roar of the waves, I can hear Him speak. Softly, ever so softly, His breath whispers across my soul.

I am left...

Undistracted

Amazed

Blessed

There are lessons to be learned here. Ones that shouldn't stay among the waves but ones that should venture back with me on the roads that lead to home. I am waiting Lord.

Show me your glory!

Faith in the Weaving

2009-10-22T18:14:00.004-04:00

Weave in faith and God will find the thread.

There are those times when in the midst of life we can do no more than move forward in the faith that God is who He says He is.

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.

Hebrews 11:1 The Message

In that truth alone, I have been existing in these last few weeks and will continue to press on into the unknown.

My life is on the loom and each moment is like a row being weaved into eternity. It may not look like much now but in time as the weaving progresses and the rows are formed and pressed together, its beauty will begin to be form.

For now, I must trust in the Weaver's vision. In His hands the threads are laid and the purpose is set. In His time the blessing will be seen.

Praise in the Storm

2009-10-09T19:24:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I do my best at being "real" on the blog.

Baby steps.

Then it happens.

As I tuck myself in for a night's sleep, I am distracted by a horrible headache. Rather than moan all the more, I decided to pick up a Bible on my nightstand and read. Was I in for a treat!

The pages of the Bible fall open. Now, I am not one to automatically think that where the pages fall is where I need to read. However, last night that is EXACTLY what happened and what I needed.

Here I just finished lamenting my inability to wait well and I find myself face to face with "Developing Patience" in BOLD type. Romans chapter 5 is where my Bible fell open and my eyes were drawn to Romans 5:3-5 The Message verson (italics mine).

There is more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we are hemmed in with troubles, because we know that troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience forges the tempered steel of virtue. Keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary, we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours in our lives through the Holy Spirit.

Now, I am one who is better at moaning my laments than shouting my praises. My eeyore-like thinking keeps me rooted on the circumstances and spending too much time looking down.

I need to do a little shouting.

I need to be alert and looking up in expectancy.

I need to be gathering some passionate patience! As I said, it doesn't come naturally but it does come supernaturally - much like I believe this verse did - at this moment - for me.

As I fell asleep, this song came to my mind. Fitting don't you think.

Lord, I will praise you in the midst of this storm. It is still raining but I can hear your whisper and feel the warmth of your breath upon me. Thank you for pouring your mercy and grace upon me. Thank you for your Word that is alive, active and oh, so tangible.

Done vs Undone

2009-10-08T17:29:00.003-04:00

I love this picture of the early morning near the Potomac River.

Calming.

Restful.

Peaceful.

I wish I could transplant myself somewhere into that scene but I can't. So instead, I journey around this bloggy world for some encouragement.

I wasn't disappointed. Of course, stopping by my bloggy friend, Elaine's site is always a pause well spent. Today, was no exception. If you have never visited Peace for the Journey you will be in for a "real" treat. Go there...as soon as you can. Elaine always pens her words with an honesty that speaks volumes. Today, it was just what I needed to hear.

You see, my life has been a bit jumbled of late. A mission trip, a horrendous accident of a family member and now the unknown of health concerns for my hubby.

I am done or at least, nearing being undone. If you have been there you know what I mean.

It is not easy to admit that I am tired.

It is not easy to admit that I am frustrated.

It is not easy to admit that I am not patient in the waiting.

It is not easy to admit that I don't know the answers.

While I know that God hasn't left me; while I know that God gives me the strength to handle life's stressors; while I know that God's timing is perfect; while I know that God can perform miracles -- what I need is to believe. I am echoing the desperate cry of the father in Mark 9, "I believe, help my unbelief."

I am being real here. We still need your prayers.

My sister-in-law has had surgery to stablize her cervical spine. She is a quadriplegic now. During the surgery it was noted that she has had some damage to vocal cords and there is concern that she may not be able to speak ever again. She is still intubated and on a ventilator but the good news is she is breathing strong over it and has shoulder movement. A permanent ventilator may not be needed. So, we wait ...

My hubby on his return trip from NC to be with his sister, received an unexpected call from his physician. Apparently, tests were concerning and warranted further testing. Those have been done and once again we are waiting for test results - could be serious - maybe not - so, we wait...

Since I am being real here, I don't wait well. Patience while a noble virtue, hasn't been a bulwark virtue in my life. It is one I am learning but honestly, don't know if it will ever find its home in me.

So, my friends, this is my life in the here and now.

Thank you for listening!

Thank you for praying!

Mountaintops

2009-10-01T13:44:00.012-04:00

I learned a few lessons during this recent trip to Ecuador. First and foremost, I am not made to live upon the mountaintops.

I have been one that longs for mountaintop living – figuratively and literally.

Much like men of old, I figure that the sheer proximity to the heavens would bring me much closer to the face of God. The pristine beauty of the mountains speak of the glory of the Creator. I can’t help but feel His very presence in such places.

In Quito, I learned very quickly I was not made for mountaintop living. Altitude sickness took what little breath was left within. My first night was spent alternating between the bed and the bathroom floor.

Humbling

Yet and still, morning came and duty called. The reason for our journey was to begin. We were met with a multitude of people at the hospital, anxiously waiting for the clinic to begin and hoping beyond hope that they or their family member would be among the chosen few.

Chosen

Much like those who were chosen for the surgery, I was one of many who were chosen for this moment. I don’t know why but I know that it was a gift. Foolishly, I may have thought that what I was giving was the gift, however, perspective changes on a mountaintop.

Quito stands proudly at 9252 feet but more importantly, I stood upon high and holy ground. It was as if the very glory of God was revealed. I knew while chosen for such a time as this, mine was not the only life to be changed. Others may have a more tangible expression of our encounter but I left with an indelible mark upon my soul. I have been graced with this visit to the mountaintop but I was definitely not called to remain here.

My life is lived in the valleys between.

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Pics: Alpaca near Otavalo, Ecuador; Op Walk team on Day 1 (I am 2nd row, far right); Walking with a patient in the hospital; Quito, Ecuador with Our Lady of Quito statue on the top of the mountain.

It's a hodge-podge!

2009-09-27T19:18:00.003-04:00

First, my sister-in-law has been able to move her shoulders. She remains on a ventilator but has been breathing "over it". Her lungs have been bruised badly from the fall and are causing the most difficulty at this point - filling up with fluid and causing the need for chest tubes to be placed. Otherwise, if she continues to stabilize then hopefully surgery later this week.

Secondly, can I just praise God for wonderful neighbors! I have lived in this house for 6 years and NEVER been locked out - until today! I was trying to keep one dog in the house while trying to get the other one to come into the house. Only partially successful, I kept the german shepherd inside and locked myself outside with the golden retriever. Seriously, no shoes - no keys - no pride! Lucky for me, I have a brave neighbor who was willing to get a ladder and climb through the only window open (2nd floor) and brave my crazy german shepherd who was going nuts in the house.

I knew I bought the box of Ecuadorian cigars for a reason! Good thing, my neighbor likes cigars! :o)

Last but not least, this was my final look at Quito, Ecuador just one week ago. With all that has happened, it sure seems like it has been longer than just seven days! I hope to have some posts together soon that share more of my time in Ecuador. It was an amazing adventure!

© A Sacred Longing 2009

A Night Vigil

2009-09-25T17:18:00.010-04:00

I was watching intently the news report of the dust storm in Australia. I couldn’t help but feel some kinship with those suffering through the night-like haze that blanketed the Aussie sky. My life has been a bit of a dust storm this week.

As I was groping, not so delicately, with the inevitable transition from mission experience to home our family was blindsided with the tragic accident of my sister-in-law.

Deafening
Blinding
Suffocating
Confusing

In a single breath of a moment, life is blurred beyond recognition. The known becomes the unknown. Naked and empty within this great and deep dark silence, I can do nothing.

A sacred vigil has begun.

In this midnight hour of waiting, I beg for sight to see the purpose; I beg for hearing to find comfort in the spoken word; I beg for wisdom to make decisions beyond myself; I beg for air both cleansing and replenishing to fill my breaths.

I asked not for this pervading darkness but within its murkiness I am not alone. I stand watch with those who find themselves enveloped by circumstance. Together we wait for the dust to settle and the air to clear.

This sacred pause to life will fade as quickly as its darkness fell. I know that. So, within its brevity I surrender only to the trust I have in Him who does not change.

Life will change.
He will not.

My eyes stay open through the watches of the night that I may meditate on your promises.
Psalm 119:148

Update: My husband's sister is still sedated and on a ventilator. They hope that soon they will be able to wean her off the ventilator. The extent of spinal damage remains a mystery but there will be permanent damage. The hope is she will be stable enough medically that next week they can surgically stabilize her cervical spine.

Thank you for your prayers.

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Need for Prayer Please!

2009-09-23T07:07:00.003-04:00

My husband's youngest sister (44 yo) fell down 15 stairs while on vacation in Topsail, NC. She suffered three cervical fractures, a lacerated lung, a lacerated liver and a broken collarbone. Currently, she unable to move or feel anything below her shoulders. Her breathing became more difficult after the injury and has required a ventilator. She did not sever her spinal cord but the swelling that is occurring post-injury can cause permanent damage. She was life-flighted to a hospital in Wilmington, NC.

Please pray that the swelling will go down quickly and that the damage to the cord will be minimal. Please pray that she will regain as much motor and sensation as possible. Please pray that she will stabilize soon and can be medivac'd to Ohio to be closer with family. Please pray for traveling mercies for family as they travel to be near her.

Last, but definitely not least, please pray for God's hand to be evident to all in the midst of this situation. May hearts of those who do not believe be softened and may lives be changed for the glory of God.

I started my nursing career working with spinal cord injured patients. I am trying my best to keep a positive outlook but it is difficult. I know the possible roads that lie ahead...it is hard.

Please feel free to pass this request on and thank you for your prayers!

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Dwelling in the Possibilities

2009-09-22T08:34:00.003-04:00

In the midst of the gestures and words of welcoming, I was drawn like a moth to a flame to this littlest one. There in the arms of the one I would soon come to know as his father, was the most precious bundle of cuteness. Large chocolate almond eyes and the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen melted my heart with each innocent, sweet giggle that passed through his lips.

Knowing what we were offering was not for ones so little, his presence was unexpected. Who was this precious one, I wondered.

Clarity came in the form of his mother. A dear young woman who bore this bundle of sweetness not more than 4 months ago – she needed what we were offering. Pain and dysfunction care not of age or circumstance. She knew that all too well. She lived it daily. She survived it moment to moment because she had no other options – until today.

As chaos and need overwhelmed us all, her voice was heard.

In that moment, her want united with our offering. Soon, upon a simple operating room table, a sacred communion of faith and grace was celebrated. With the last suture closed, a future and a hope were restored.

This young mother and I met in a moment of possibility. Together with a few hesistant steps we began a path toward potential. While my efforts were minimal, I continue to pray that her results are phenomenal.

Through a tearful goodbye, we promised each other much the same...she would think of us when she was chasing that bundle of cuteness around the home and I would envision her doing that very same thing...at those moments we would pray for the other.

Humbled by grace.
United in faith.

Love was made visible in that hospital in Ecuador.

May we all continue to dwell in the possibilities that began there!

© A Sacred Longing 2009

See you soon!

2009-09-12T05:40:00.002-04:00

I am off to the airport. I don't know if I will have time or opportunity to blog from Ecuador. Thank you for your prayers and see you in a week!

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Whispers in the Wind

2009-09-11T07:03:00.007-04:00

Each moment that I am given another breath is an opportunity to make my life count for the glory of God.

I am learning, therefore, that my life is a simple offering of choices. Even those choices that seem inconsequential have an impact of lasting proportion. That fact alone has given much pause to my spirit of late.

I have, for a good while, wanted to live my life in God's will. Yet, what this really meant has been an elusive search.

I had always assumed that bearing children and being a mother would be a part - a very large part - of my life. Are we not called to be fruitful and multiply? Is that not why we women are made and fashioned? When the days, months, years passed by without a pregnancy, doubt settled in. Where was God?

With doubt came an open doorway for fear to enter. Fear that I wasn't who I should be; that I wasn't ever going to have what I wanted; that my life would be insignificant and forgotton. Paralyzed and numbed by fear, I made choices that kept me hidden and irrelevant - the very thing that terrorized me was being fashioned by my very own hands.

So, I hid my search for God's elusive will. My choices were weak and half-hearted because I couldn't see the future. Weak choices - weak life. A wallflower existance in the midst of a garden of opportunity.

I lost sight of my purpose. I lost hope in my desires.

"Our desire to live should be for the sake and the glory of God, who put us on this earth in the first place." - Francis Chan

My hidden time searching for God's elusive will was wasted moments. Misspent and misdirected focus on a future that could never happen. It would never happen because by looking ahead, I missed the now - the foundational moments for what is to come.

My now is a whisper in the wind of my eternity. Yet, it is the point of departure for the future to come. Learning to choose for His glory in all things, small and large, I will be in His will. No need to search anymore. No need to hide anymore.

Live. Live now. Live in the fullness of God's grace and glory.

In doing so, I prepare now for a mission trip. This time tomorrow I will be on an airplane with its final destination in Quito, Ecuador. I pray that I will stand boldy and courageously in the strength of my Lord. I pray that I will be used as a vessel of grace and an ointment of healing balm to those on this surgical mission. I pray that all that I think, say or do will bring glory to the One who inhabits my very being.

(This photo was taken through an operating door in Nicaragua - our last trip)

It's starting to become clear...

2009-09-04T14:34:00.005-04:00

"When the darkness of our world, and all the fears we hold in that darkness are pierced by the light of God's love and by the possibility that God has other ideas in mind for how we are to live, something liberating happens. But there is also danger of our becoming mesmerized by the dazzle of the light. It can become quite comfortable, like a campfire. We can crawl up into the hands of God and fall asleep in the sweet aroma and cozy warmth, asleep by the fire. And much of the world lies in the cold, clammy darkness of human suffering, oppression, inequality."

The Irresistible Revolution, Shane Claiborne

As I said in my last post, I have really felt the whisper of God to my heart. An unsettling whisper it has been because it has no answers yet - no path to trod - just an awakening of sorts. Clearing of my vision and now I am starting to see.

Seeing beyond my warm and cozy existence.

Seeing outside my comfort and abundance.

Seeing past me.

I know that my trip next Saturday to Ecuador with Operation Walk has tendered my spirit towards missions. It doesn't surprise me that as I have moved through the bloggy world I have stumbled on some amazing stories and have had my heart pricked by those who have stepped beyond the safety of home and serve in the name of Christ.

Take a moment and visit a few....

Ali's African Adventures is full of experiences aboard a Mercy hospital ship off the coast of Africa.

The Livesay (Haiti) Weblog is the pilgrimage of a family living and serving in Haiti.

Oh Sweet Caroline is the journey of a young nurse in a small clinic in Haiti. She has just returned to the states but her archives are full of amazing stories.

The Journey - on earth as it is in heaven is an odyssey of one young girl who wanted to take a year off before college to serve in Uganda. She has started Amazima , a ministry to orphans. Incredible!

I encourage you to go, visit and stay awhile at each of their blogs. May your heart be pricked as mine has been.

Least you think that ministry has to happen overseas...check this out Ordinary Hero and be prepared to consider how close to home a need really is.

But before you go, please watch this video. It is beautiful.

© A Sacred Longing 2009

Countdown to Ecuador

2009-09-01T19:23:00.002-04:00

I know that I have been noticeably absent.

I am not sure why.

I am full of words, thoughts and yet, not a single one have I been able to muster into a coherent idea to share. I think as the days draw closer to my trip to Ecuador, I am feeling overwhelmed.

One of my inherent weaknesses is my need to control. Which is why I tend to be a good planner – planning and control seem to be good companions. Yet, for this trip I am planning nothing but my own arrival to the airport. There it will end – my control - that is.

So for now, I worry. I can do that. I am not supposed to but I am really good at it.

Why am I so gifted at the things I am not supposed to do?

Will you help me by praying? Pray that as I prepare for this trip I will release my grip and open my hands to receive what God gives. Also, that I will find the strength to give my anxious thoughts to the only One who can give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know the grace that comes from trips such as this. My heart has been overwhelmed in the past and I expect that it will happen once again.

I can’t help but feel nervous though because I have felt the Lord whispering to me of late. At times it has felt like a commissioning – the call to move on. I am not sure the where, the why, the what or the how and that is unsettling. I guess that is the point. I should be unsettled. Comfort is not what He has called me to. Where this trip fit to this is yet to be seen but I am sure of one thing – it will be seen. In His time and when He reveals.

So for now I will share a journal entry from my last Operation Walk mission trip as much for you as it is as a reminder for me of what is to come...

It is hot, oppressively hot. Every pore of my body is sweating in a wasted effort of trying to cool itself. I am soaked, exhausted but grateful I am here in Nicaragua.

I am blessed with the opportunity to be in this place, right now. Living a brief moment of my life outside of the box. Here I am living my vocation – giving my vocation to those who may have never had an opportunity for this life changing surgery, were it not for grace.

Grace.

In this brief moment, we all are experiencing it.

I have often heard from those who have traveled similar paths before say, “what is received is so much more than what is given.” No truer words could be spoken. It is impossible to live this experience and not be changed in some way.

In my ordinary, I am a nurse. It is my occupation – with is many rules, regulations and expectations. In this extraordinary moment, it is my vocation – a sacred calling. I am lost in the grace overflowing – to me, within me and from me.

I cannot be the same.

I AM here

2009-08-17T04:47:00.003-04:00

In my travels around the bloggy world, I have sensed that busyness is on our plates - heaping mounds of activity portioned out upon us.

I, too, have felt overwhelmed of late. Much to do and little time it seems to accomplish it all.

So, it is breathing room that I am looking for. Space - time - opportunity to enjoy the beauty in life surrounding me.

Still and yet, my calendar is full. My breathing room for now will be heavy sighs and selah moments. Quick but so very important respites from my hurried and harried life. Moments to remember that ...

I AM, here

I am not far from you my child.

I may seem distant but the truth is you are just not seeing me in your

everyday moments.

Slow down,

Look,

Look carefully.

I can be found.

I can be felt.

I can be heard.

Stop.

Become aware.

Be attentive.

It isn't hard, my child.

I promise it isn't.

I AM here,

With you.

Now.

Always.

The Artist

2009-08-10T09:52:00.002-04:00

I am not an artist. Yet, each day I awaken to a blank canvas. Its stark whiteness waits to be filled.

It never lingers long.

The layering of brush strokes begin with each thought contemplated; each word spoken; each task commenced. The color of life fills its emptiness.

Some days my palette is vivid and full.

Others, subdued and minimal seem to be the offering of the day.

While I may not choose the colors I am given, I can choose the grace to which I place the strokes.

I am not an artist.

Yet, each day I am given the opportunity to create a masterpiece.

No matter what it looks like – a Monet or a “velvet Elvis” – I pray that what is seen in my strokes is truly a piece of the Master.

He is The Artist.

I am just a painter